This past week, no, this past month has been one full of sickness for our family. One thing after another, if there is a bacteria, infection, or virus out there we have caught it and then we passed it to one another.
I have been disinfecting, washing, driving to the doctor, waiting in lines, and filling prescriptions. I have been cuddling, loving, reading and attempting to rest. I haven’t had time to do all the things, like I normally do. I feel behind in everything from laundry and dishes, to work and writing.
Feeling Like I’m Failing
Today, all this came to a head as my first grader reminded me, two minutes before we left for the bus, that it was dress like a penguin day. There was a tornado of clothes and rushing to quickly create a cute penguin costume with the limited amount of clean clothes in her closet. We made it but it left me feeling so inadequate, so disheveled, so much like a failure of a mom.
My goal since my pulmonary embolism, and I talk about it a lot, is that I want to do only a few things in my life but my desire is to do them really well. And right now, I feel like I can’t even do these few things, these handful of things, well.
My family left to their penguin parades, school and work and I’m left here, trying to talk myself down. Trying as hard as I can to regroup.
I turned on Ellie Holcomb’s new album Red Sea Road (I’m obsessed) and her song Fighting Words came on. I wish I could quote them here, but since I can’t, please go listen to them.
Hot, burning tears, rolled down my face. This song reminded me, once again, that I was listening to the lies of the enemy.
Just a few of the lies I’ve believed these past few weeks:
I’m failing at everything
I need to lose weight
I can’t do all
I’m not good enough
I’m a crummy Mom
Why do I even try?
Wow. Lies. All of them. (Didn’t I just write a devotional on this very topic?!)
Fighting Words
So I opened She Says, He Says and read out loud to myself, “Don’t believe that you need to have it all together to accept God’s love for you. He loves you right now, just the way you are, a big hot mess and all…it is time to start living out of his love for you. Stop trying to earn it and instead embrace it.”
Here is what I forgot, I am loved just the way I am. I am not perfect and I never will be.
