In an Instagram post on September 30, Teigen revealed that she and Legend were grieving the loss of their son Jack. The supermodel and cookbook author, who is notoriously open about her life on social media, shared a series of black and white photos documenting their painful pregnancy loss journey.
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We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack – I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.
Along with the announcement, Teigen informed fans that she would be taking some time away from social media to grieve.
Despite her silence throughout the month of October, Chrissy Teigen managed to ignite an important conversation about miscarriage. It’s been especially poignant seeing as October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Chrissy and John have given a lot of people permission not to grieve alone. In the midst of their own deep and enduring pain, they offered a gift to those who know this particular form of heartbreak. Whew. That takes a lot of strength.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) October 1, 2020
If you’ve never experienced miscarriage/stillbirth/the loss of a child, pls know there’s nothing to say except to extend your condolences to those who are grieving. It is an unimaginable pain and when people choose to openly share their grief, they do all of us a great service.
— Sabrina Callahan (@SabrinaCallahan) October 1, 2020
This week, the 34-year-old is opening up for the first time, sharing some of the most raw and intimate details from their traumatic experience.
In a personal essay published on Medium Tuesday, Teigen first thanked fans for their outpouring of support.
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did,” she wrote.
Teigen, who is also mom to 4-year-old Luna and 2-year-old Miles, went on to share detailed memories of the days and hours leading up to Jack’s birth. She recalls arriving at the hospital and overhearing joyful celebrations from families who were welcoming healthy babies all around them in the labor and delivery ward.
“People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you,” she wrote.
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I didn’t know how to come back to real life so I wrote this piece for Medium with hopes that I can somehow move on but as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so….final. I don’t want to ever not remember jack. . . Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Thank you to the incredible doctors who tried so hard to make our third life a reality. Thank you to my friends and family and our entire household for taking care of me through all the adult diaper changes, bed rest and random hugs. Thank you John for being my best friend and love of my life. A lot of people think of the woman in times like this but I will never forget that john also suffered through these past months, while doing everything he could to take care of me. I am surrounded, in a human therapy blanket of love. I am grateful and healing and feel so incredibly lucky to witness such love.
Teigen took time to explain that the complications in her pregnancy were caused by a partial placenta abruption, which caused her to be put on bedrest for over a month. Meanwhile, she “bled and bled, lightly but all day.”
So upon arriving at the hospital, Teigen says she had come to terms with what was going to happen.
“I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms),” she wrote.
Teigen recalled the frightening final weeks of her pregnancy which included multiple blood transfusions due to uncontrolled bleeding. Finally, it got to the point where the pregnancy was too dangerous for mom and baby to survive.
“My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around,” she wrote. “At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye,” she continued.
“Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness,” she wrote, referring to the heartbreaking photos she shared on Instagram on Sept. 30.
Teigen says she had asked both her mom and John to take photos throughout the process no matter how uncomfortable it was.
“I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story,” she wrote.
While Teigen received an outpouring of love and support in the days following the couple’s traumatic loss, she also was the target of truly hateful people who criticized the way she handled her experience.
Addressing the onslaught of haters, Teigen wrote: “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Teigen went on to detail Jack’s delivery, and the time they spent with him after.
“The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour,” she wrote.
Despite suffering a truly heart wrenching loss, Teigen says her love for Jack is helping her heal.
“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
Teigen also acknowledged that grief has caused a difficult paradox of emotions.
“I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy. Sometimes I read things that make me gut laugh, or see an Instagram post worthy of a like (yes, I’m gone but I’ve still been creeping!). And, I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore. I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad,” she wrote.
She continued, “I worry that people feel uncomfortable sharing their joy with me. I’m currently surrounded by the pregnant bellies of many close friends, and I can swear to you, nothing makes me more happy. I know your joy and I love you.”
Teigen closed her essay by saying she felt like writing about their experience was just one step in being able to move forward.
“Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories,” she closed. “We are so incredibly lucky.”