Hey there expectant moms and dads!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Having a baby is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, not so great that I want to do it any more than the three times I have already, but it’s still pretty fantastic. But, with parenting, comes a LOT of responsibility. And the very first big ol’ responsibility you will have? Picking a name for that kid that isn’t DUMB.
Now, I KNOW this doesn’t seem like a terribly hard assignment—it wasn’t for me, thankyouverymuch (Joshua, Sophia, and Jonah, in case you were wondering)—BUT based on the hard scientific evidence I’ve gleaned from having kids in kindergarten and preschool the past few years, I have concluded that it actually is very, very hard for some people. I wish I could tell you the names that have personally made me give a hard eyeroll and/or weep aloud for the poor child, but then the parents at school would know what a jerk I am, and I can’t HAVE that. So…instead, future parents of 2017, I am going to take a look back at popular trends and biggest news stories of 2016 and encourage you NOT to name your babies after them. I KNOW some of you are already thinking about it but JUST DON’T OKAY? Okay. Here goes.
1. Rogue. Or Rogue One. Listen, I know it’s a GREAT movie. I went to see it last night on Christmas with some family and my husband and older two normally-named kids went earlier this week. We all LOVED it. I can’t even tell you how AWESOME it is! BUT IT’S A MOVIE NOT A NAME SO DON’T MAKE IT ONE. And before you ask, Kylo Ren is also forbidden, you freak. I can’t argue with Jyn or Rey because, even though I *abhor* weird spellings, those are pretty normal names. Jen and Ray are, anyway.
2. Trump. Listen I don’t care if you like him for President or not, PLEASE do not do that to your child. Chances are, Baby Trump will be so resentful, he’ll grow up to be your political opposite as payback. EEK!
3. Hrambe. I agree that the Cincinnati gorilla’s death was super-tragic, but this does not mean you should make your child’s life super-tragic in memoriam.
4. Boomer. Michael Phelps was AWESOME in the 2016 Olympics, but that is not a good reason to steal his weird baby name. “Michael” or “Phelps,” however, I am totally good with. Other Olympians you definitely SHOULD name your kids after: Simone Biles, Simone Manuel, Katie Ledecky, Kristin Armstrong, Ryan Murphy, Jeff Henderson, or pretty much anyone else on this list.
5. Beyoncé. I know “Lemonade” was super acclaimed and is nominated for 7,000 Grammys, but there’s only one Queen Bey. Don’t put this kind of pressure on your child!
6. Bowie. Yes, we lost a huge music talent when David Bowie died. Still not a good kid’s name.
7. Prince. See #6. George Michael you can go for, because those are two classic, normal names.
8. Netflix. This may seem bizarre, but come on America, YOU KNOW someone is gonna do it. I too, am BEYOND grateful for the revivals of Gilmore Girls and Full House, as well as for the constant on-demand shows in my house for a low monthly fee, but when your Netflix and Chill results in a child being born, ya don’t actually need to honor the streaming service with a namesake.
9. Queen Elizabeth. Though the British monarch made headlines by turning 90 this year AND surpassing Queen Victoria as the longest reigning monarch EVAH, you can’t name your kid Queen. Cause, she’s not one. I’m gonna go ahead and say that Her Royal Highness is also off limits. I’m down with Elizabeth, though. Can’t go wrong there!
10. Gatlinburg. What happened there with the arsons this past month was BEYOND tragic! But if you want to remember and help the victims, fork over some cash, to Dolly Parton’s fund, don’t name your kid after your favorite vacation spot. And yes, Pigeon Forge is off limits if you have twins, too.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got…for NOW. Go forth and choose good names for your kids, my people! And might I suggest the names of the 1980s? If you ask me, nursery schools could use a few more Andreas, Jessicas, and Jeremys running around!
How did you choose your child’s name?