3. Circle back around after a fight.
After my wake-up call with my daughter, I needed a new approach. I saw a friend at the gym that day and asked how she handles fights with her daughter. She shared great advice.
“After an argument,” she said, “you’ve got to circle back around. Go back when you’re calm and have had time to think. Apologize, talk it out, and try to do better next time.”
I apologized that afternoon and told my daughter how sad I’d been about our recent fighting.
She admitted that she’d been sad too. I asked if I’d done anything to upset her, and I expected her to say no, but she didn’t. Instead, she said I’d become more critical and harder to please. This threw me for a loop, yet she was right; I had become more critical. I’d become extra-critical of myself and was projecting that on her.
Owning up to my mistakes turned our relationship around. It taught me a lesson: Teenagers respect honesty. They’re okay with a parent who’s not perfect, but they’re not okay with a parent who acts perfect and tries to shift all the blame to them. We all mess up, so when you slip, circle back around. Repair the damage quickly, aim for reconciliation, and ask your daughter if you have blind spot that may be hurting your relationship.
4. Find a safe place to vent.
My friend’s daughter was a star athlete in high school. As captain of her team, her younger teammates looked up to her, and everyone respected her. She kept their respect by following her mom’s advice.
“Stay positive around your teammates,” her mom said. “Don’t complain, vent, or talk about anyone. Save it for me. Vent to me and give your best to your team. Encourage them and be a role model.”
Too often, we vent to anyone who will listen. We vent on social media – or to total strangers. We unleash on our kids or tell our teenagers that they are bratty or self-centered. And as we do this, we lose respect. We dampen our credibility and weaken our relationships.
I understand a parent’s breaking point, yet unfiltered outbursts can cause serious damage. Teenagers look tough externally, but internally they are tender, and they long for their parents’ approval.
Still, we all need a place to vent, and that’s why it helps to have someone – your friend, sister, spouse, therapist, hairdresser, etc. – who lets you rant and won’t betray your confidence. Having a steel vault who keeps your secrets safe helps you stay strong in front of your daughter.
It also makes you less likely to drop a bomb in the heat of the moment. It gives you an ally to laugh with as you admit what you wanted to say to your daughter versus what you actually said.
5. Listen, pick your battles, and negotiate occasionally.
Some issues aren’t worth the fight, and not every conversation should be a confrontation.
Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, says, “When teens are trapped with parents who would rather flaunt their power than negotiate on even minor points, it doesn’t always end so well. These parents don’t just damage their relationships with their daughters, they can also provoke girls into proving that they will not be controlled.”
Nobody likes a dictator, and nobody feels close to a parent who’s always on a power trip. Sometimes, after listening to your daughter explain why she’s asking for a privilege, you may change your mind. You may adjust a rule that needs updating anyway. Your daughter is less likely to fight your non-negotiable decisions if you negotiate on occasion. Save arguments for when you mean business, and pick battles that are worth the fight.
In short, your teenage daughter needs you. She has the entire world telling her what is wrong with her, and she needs a mother who loves her and tells her what is right with her.
Society is quick to commiserate over the misery of teenage girls. The conversations start at the cradle and become self-fulfilling prophecies. It is time to update this script. We can be realistic yet optimistic, parenting with a spirit of strength and hope.
Teenagers are challenging and also remarkable. They long to be appreciated and have their hidden potential noticed and pointed out. See the good in your daughter, fight for her well-being and health, and enjoy her. Treat her last years at home as more than a season to “survive,” and get to know the beautiful soul who is growing up before your eyes and offering you the priceless gift of a mother-daughter connection.
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This post originally appeared at KariKampakis.com, published with permission.
Check out more from Kari on the Girl Mom Podcast.
On Aug. 18, her new book Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter releases. It’s gaining fantastic early buzz, and by pre-ordering now, you’ll receive amazing incentives like downloadable prints and prayers. Simply redeem your receipt here. Pre-order through Amazon, and you’re guaranteed the lowest price between now and Aug. 18.
Kari has also written books for teen girls — 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know and Liked, used widely across the U.S. for small group studies. To keep up with future posts, follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
