And one does not sharpen the edge,
Then he must use more strength;
But wisdom brings success.
Ecclesiastes 10:10 (NKJV)
It’s important we get rid of the antiquated views of leadership. When the Bible says the husband is the positional head of the wife, it does not mean that as the head, you get to make all the decisions and everyone must bow to your absolute supremacy because your choices are beyond contestation. Any woman with half a brain would never follow blindly. Ephesians 5:22 does say, “Wives, submit to your husbands,” but the verse just before it says to “submit to one another.” When Abraham got angry with Sara for insisting he needed to kick his oldest son Ishmael out the house, God told him he needed to listen to his wife. Leadership is not loving the sound of your own voice but possessing the ability to listen and discern when your wife has the mind of the Lord on a particular matter. You and your wife are an unbeatable team when you are united, and it doesn’t matter who makes the winning shot — the only thing that matters is the fact that together you’ve won the victory.
You may be a domineering man with a wife who won’t rock the boat, but that doesn’t mean she is happy or that your marriage is good. All it means is she is living in a constant state of oppression because she unwisely chose you, and in so doing, she has suffered so much psychological damage and emotional trauma that she has accepted a role of passivity and obscurity.
If the way you speak to your wife reflects the way your father spoke to your mother, and the result is negative, then your father’s attitude was probably wrong. Growing up surrounded by your parents’ dysfunctional relationship, you saw your father’s method was domination — and at the time, maybe it even seemed like it was effective — but now in retrospect, you realize just how crazy your upbringing actually was. Some past cultural practices don’t work, and it takes a real man to realize he needs to improve and have a better story for his life and marriage.
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Paul Arthurs has over 25 years of full-time ministry service and is currently the lead pastor for Wheaton Christian Center in Chicago. Read more from him in his new book, “Stop the Foolishness for Husbands: A Practical Guide to a Healthy Marriage,” available HERE.
