We all know, it’s much better to give gifts than receive. This is never more true than when a family or friend drops the most annoyingly loud, million peace toy with four sheets of stickers at a child’s feet, and then runs out the door. Thus, leaving mom and dad to deal with the pile of annoying million piece headache, the child cannot wait to destroy the house with!
In hopes of saving a few parents from this holiday pain-in-the-butt, below are 10 gifts you should avoid giving a child, unless you are the parent, and know what you’re getting yourself into.
1. Toys that make annoying noises. Steer clear of the firetruck with 50 flashing lights that screams “FIRE FIRE” and then belts out a 30 second siren whenever you slightly touch the button, because I promise, the child will push that button repeatedly for two hours straight.
FYI: There is a special place in hell for toy manufacturers of those toys. It’s on the corner of Whatswrongwithyou & Needsaslap St.
2. Toys with sensors that go off when you walk by. This reaches beyond toys. ANYTHING that makes noises when you walk by suck. They make it impossible to sneak out of sleeping child’s room. Trust me, being responsible for waking a sleeping child is is going to land you on the naughty list. for good.
True Story: I could have killed The Aussie (aka my husband) when he managed to procure a HUGE BAG of Furbies (complete with batteries) at a yard sale. Those little monsters, with all their the nonsensical chirping, whistling and garbled chatter, managed to rob me of my sanity in two days.
3. Toys that are a set or collection that have four-million options to buy. Once you open the flood gates, Parents basically find themselves kissing the nest egg goodbye.
4. Toys that require assembly of more than three parts and/or stickers to apply. Have you ever tried to assemble a toy that requires 22 steps with a toddler “helping”? Three pages in to the instructions, nothing makes sense anymore and the stickers are stuck to the TV. You’d think that if a manufacturer has gone to all the trouble of assembling, marketing, and packaging the thing, why on earth wouldn’t they apply the damn stickers?
5. Toys that can be easily disassembled into two hundred tiny pieces are the worst gifts. This will inevitably happen in the back seat of a car, with any and all accompanying stickers immediately stuck to the car window. The toy will end up spread from the backseat to the front and back agin, finally coming to a rest jammed in the seats, never to be found again.
6. A toddler bed. I don’t care if it looks like Dora the Explorer or a Race Car, no kid will not fall for it. It’s a waste of time and money that will fail the parents.
TIP: If you must, buy a bed no smaller than a twin frame. The parent(s) need somewhere to sleep when the kid crawls in their bed, because they are “scared” if the new bed.. Every night. Forever.
7. Toys that are really candy in disguise. Lets just go with sugar in general, because we all know what happens…
8. Toys on wheels your kid cannot operate alone. Make no mistake about it, if you buy a tricycle, scooter or bike before the kid is ready for it, it will result in a the parent having broken back from having to bend down to push it CONSTANTLY, or worse, carry it home draped over one harm while holding the child with the other.
9. Stickers. Have you ever seen one of those cars that have the back window COVERED in stickers? THAT is the result of someone handing a child stickers as gifts. So just know, next time you see someone with a Star Wars sticker stuck to their butt, it’s because some asshole gave their child a sticker.
10. Tiny toys. The smaller the toy, the more pain it inflicts when you step on it. Think: Lego.
In the meantime, if you really want to give a child, especially under the age of five, a toy they will love, throw a cardboard box down on the floor and watch hours of fun unfold. Or, do the parents a solid and ask for gift idea. At the very least, give fair warning of the havoc you’re about to bring. Remember no one likes an ***hole.
BONUS TIP: If you give a gift that needs 20D batteries that only last for five minutes, please bring 40 batteries. Nothing is worse than having a screaming kid on Christmas who needs batteries and nothing is open.
If you’re a parent and I missed any, please leave a comment below with the gifts you’d rather avoid! We gotta band together to keep some harmony in our home this Holiday season!