1. Sprinkle goldfish all over the kitchen floor just so you can finish meal prepping.
2. Sit at the foot of your son’s feet and sing to him while he poops because apparently that reduces stressful bowel movements.
3. Take the time to lay all the strawberries on their flat sides because it will entertain the toddler (the one wielding new fork skills) for a much longer time.
4. Pretend to eat the fake, plastic broccoli and then say, “Yum; that was delish.”
5. Let your toddler brush your hair.
6. Sing the rap-style version of “I’m a Little Teapot” to evoke a picture smile.
7. Answer the question, “Mommy, is my poop standing up or taking a nap today?”
8. Give the toy dinosaur a drink because he’s extremely parched.
9. Hand your toddler a pack of sticker labels and allow her to plaster them all over her body while you finish an important phone call.
10. Buy Pez and then fill that ridiculously small candy into that ridiculously awkward dispenser…again and again.
11. Let your toddler walk around the house with stolen spoons from the dishwasher.
12. Hide in a really small, really hot children’s tent and scream at the top of your lungs because you’re scared that the monster is really going to eat your eyes.
13. “Ooo” and “ahhh” over scribbled drawings and short jumps.
14. Take a little longer to dry your hair because your children think that you can’t hear them when the blow dryer is running.
15. Contort your arm behind your seat (while driving), so you can receive a booger from the backseat.
16. Give your son a metal bowl with a metal spoon for his make-believe rock band.
17. Tell your son that you will set a timer for when his independent play is over but when you realize things are going well, you sneak over to the microwave, cough real loud, and then shut off the timer until he asks, “Has the timer gone off yet, Mommy?”
18. Add a sprinkle of cheese to your child’s meal so when he asks, “Is there cheese in there?” you can answer in the affirmative and have no need to confess.
19. Let your toddler slam the toilet seat against her brother’s back while he’s trying to go to the bathroom because the giggles are just too fun, and they don’t realize you are actually getting things done.
20. Store the bathroom step stool in the bath tub because your daughter likes to climb into the toilet.
21. Give your son a pile of marshmallows and a straw at 9:23 AM, so he can
roast eat them over a open-fire trampoline.
22. Tell your child that the smell they are smelling isn’t really popcorn and that Daddy and Mommy will be heading to bed in a few minutes (hours can be converted into minutes and “few” can be subjective).
23. Allow your son to wear his cowboy costume, complete with pleather chaps, to Chipotle in 90 degree weather because that’s just not the battle you want to pick.
24. Eat a handful of chips in the basement stairwell because you don’t want to share.
25. Allow your daughter to play in the dirty laundry basket because it keeps her busy and safe.
26. Wrap a hang nail with a Band-Aid.
27. Get dressed 17 minutes before Daddy gets home.
28. Pray, “Lord, help me keep them alive today.”
29. Repeatedly remind your parents how thankful you are that they didn’t disown you.
30. When deciding that maybe it’s okay to skip baths and go straight to bed, you tell yourself, “Well, they didn’t really sweat all that much today.”
31. When you wander the house while playing Hide-n-Seek for way too long even though you know your son will be hiding in the exact same spot he was the last 13 times.
32. Sit in a germ-infested, Burger King “Play Place” because it’s raining…AGAIN…and staying in your clean house sounds worse.
33. Wear a cape that slightly chokes you and a mask that leaves welts on your face.
Because not only do you love your children, but you also value your sanity.