A friend recently asked me my secret to having a photogenic social media account. Well, it starts with having a yoga body. I have a body, and I am wearing yoga pants, so therefore I have a yoga body. If you follow my guidelines, your presence on InstaTwitBook will transform into that of a perfect yoga body.
1. Start by wearing black yoga pants … but then again, yoga pants are too revealing and if you wear them you will be hoochie-shamed, so maybe try to wear leggings skinny jeans a burlap sack with arm holes. Be sure that your burlap sack is floor length, so that no one can see your knees, you she-devil temptress.
2. With your arms tastefully revealed from your burlap sack, focus on how to make them look toned. Here’s a secret: My arms aren’t exactly as cut as Michelle Obama’s. In fact the only thing cut about them is when I cut them out of pictures with IPhoto’s handy “crop” feature. Follow my lead and crop those suckers out of the frame. The amputee look is where it’s at, girl.
3. My C-section scar is crooked and tucked in like a pouch, giving my abdomen the human-meets-marsupial mash-up I’ve always wanted. It’s as if I’ve been practicing the downward-facing-Kangaroo pose all my life (that is a yoga pose, right?). I can’t really take credit for this, though—I have been surgically enhanced. Personal trainers will tell you that abs are actually made in the kitchen—that you can’t exercise your way out of a bad diet. So put down that chocolate bar and load up on veggies and fruits. Personally, I like to consume grapes. I take mine pressed into a juice, corked in a bottle with some yeast and fermented for a few years. I also drink plenty of water. Brown, roasted, caffeinated, filtered water.
4. Which brings me to my next point: Filters—they’re not just for coffee anymore. If you have an Instagram account, the Amaro filter can shine up any turd. If I Instagramed the contents of my kitchen sink drain with the Amaro filter people would ask themselves, “When did Crystal go to French Culinary Arts school?” and “Is she throwing a dinner party?” I’m waiting for the day that Google glasses provide the Amaro filter in realtime so that people on the street will see me with the same holy-glow countenance that Moses had when he descended Mount Sinai … because aging is so passé.
5. But speaking of aging, it is important to remember that bangs are cheaper than Botox. Just don’t get carried away when you trim because only Harper Lee can pull off the “toddler found the scissors” look.
6. In group photos, I never allow myself to be on the end or in the front. I will trample a ho and stand on her back if it means that only my head shows. My head, you’ll note, is perfectly tilted to eliminate any chance of a double chin. In the event that one of those group snapshots is unflattering, I untag myself, nay, I report that bad boy to Facebook headquarters and ask to have it removed from the Internet all together so that there is no chance a friend of a friend could ever stumble upon it.
There you have it. Six simple tips to get a perfect yoga body (on social media). If they don’t work for you, you could stop being as vain as I am … or you could do yoga. I hear that helps.