If you are a parent and a Christian you have certain obligations to your children, to the church, the world, and most of all to SOCIAL MEDIA. It is imperative that you properly and publicly document your parenting exploits so that other parents will know the standard up to which they must live. You can’t trust them to use their Bibles, good judgment, and close friendships to get better parenting! No, they need you.
But how do you know if you’re properly sharing? How can you be sure you’re adding maximum parental value to the World Wide Web? Well, I am here to help. This scorecard will help you gauge your status and compare yourselves to others. Because isn’t comparison and judging others what parenting is all about?
1) 4 points – Post deep theological statement from a young child.
- EXAMPLE: “Wow! Didn’t expect Theo to use the word ‘eschatology’ at dinner? Where’d he get that! We’ve got a little John MacArthur on our hands! Look out!”
2) 2 points – Post pictures of parent/child dates to Instagram.
- 2 bonus points if you mention the regularity with which you go on said dates (Saturday donut date!)
- 1 bonus point for using the phrase “daddy/daughter date.” Alliteration is always a winner.
3) 2 points – Complete post on social media with “Oh my heart”.
- EXAMPLE: “Miles just gave half of his candy to his sister. He said he wanted to be like Jesus. Oh my heart.”
- 2 bonus points – If you say, “Be still my heart.
- -4 points – If a dad completes a post on social media with “Oh my heart.”
4) 3 points – Refer casually to family worship/family devotions/ prayer time with kids.
- 2 bonus points for posting a picture of your child reading the bible or a Bible story book.
- 1 bonus point for mentioning the particular Bible story book or book of the Bible you are going through.
- Pro Tip: Use your Amazon affiliate account to link other jealous families to said Bible story books and earn a little tithing money!
5) 2 points – Relate “funny” or “cute” story about child praying.
- Pro Tip: This is an ideal time to bank serious points by quoting them praying too (see #1)! Cha-ching!
6) 5 points – Use “Raise them up in the way they should go” unironically.
- Pro Tip: Drop this in a Facebook comment or Twitter reply to subtly correct or enhance another parent’s post. If your friend laments the behavior of their child, just post “Raise them up…,” and let your friend try to decipher if you’re encouraging or correcting them.
7) 7 points – Post pictures of your child’s sermon notes.
- 2 bonus points for tagging the preacher in your post.
- 3 bonus points if the sermon notes contain corrections to something the pastor said.
8) 5 points – Post pictures of your child acting out Bible stories for fun.
- 5 bonus points for posting video.
- -10 points if your child gets the story wrong. That’s not cute; it’s blasphemous.
9) 4 points – Post about parental failures as a passive-aggressive way to draw out other failing parents.
10) 5 points – Post about what important thing you’re missing/sacrificing to spend quality time with your child.
- ProTip: Is it really a sacrifice if nobody knows about it?
11) 6 points – Post about how excited you are that your kids love church.
- Pro Tip: It’s easiest to start these posts of with “So thankful that _____”
- -6 points if your children have to be put in a straight jacket to get them into children’s ministry.
- Pro Tip: You can negate the negative points by posting about your parental failure to get your kid to enjoy church.
12) 1 point – #Blessed
- Pro Tip: It’s a small number but can be used with abandon. Rack ‘em up! You can also use a lot of variation. #Blezzed #SuperBlessed #SOBlessed
13) 4 points – Humble bragging on behalf of your child.
- Pro Tip: Did your child win an award at Awana? Be publicly thankful for it! Was your child the “most Christ like” at basketball camp? Be “blown away.” And don’t forget: #blessed.
14) 3 Points – Use the word catechism.
- Pro Tip: Presbyterians have a leg up on this one, so all you frozen chosen take full advantage!
15) 4 Points – Casually mention having a “conversation” with your kids about complex theology.
- EXAMPLE: “On our way to our weekly daddy daughter date, Jess asked me how the Trinity could be both three and one! #SOBlessed”
- 2 bonus points for “quizzing” them.
16) 5 points – Quote Shepherding a Child’s Heart
I suggest setting a weekly point goal. Start small and then build over time. In just a few short weeks you’ll see point totals you couldn’t have imagined. And think of how much you’ll be helping all the other, needier parents out there. Now get going!