This Mom of 4 Just Gave Her Kids a Summer ‘Performance Evaluation’—and It’s Hysterical!


Dear Beloveds In the Summertime,

So far we have had exactly 49 days of summer vacation together. I’d like to make you all aware of some new positions that will be opening up, due to my resignation. Those are: Toilet-Flusher, Sock-Finder, Snack-Maker and someone to explain (every.single.night.) why the sun is still up at bedtime. Please submit your applications accordingly.

Also, from now on, when I hear bickering I will hide under my bed and listen to Taylor Swift until it is over.

Overall, you have been surpassing my expectations at being kids. You are excellent at lemonade drinking and ice-cream eating and have the expected heart-attack like reactions to things like cleaning rooms and eating foreign vegetables in the summertime. You each contain the energy of 17 adults, and can jump on the trampoline with a vigor that would cause me to pee my child-bearing pants.

So far, I am very impressed. Good job being kids.

Since we will have 33 more days together, I thought that I would take this time to give you your mid-summer child evaluations.

Name: Malachi, Age: 9, Position: Oldest

You excel at being a son. In fact, next Tuesday I’m going to let you take over my position while I follow you around asking what we are doing today and if I can use the kindle.

Something to work on:

Pestering me about things like “time”. Look, I know I’ve been late like twice or two hundred times. You can’t rush this. Also, there’s a certain three year old who’s currently in the shoe closet throwing a tantrum about a bandaid…you should probably go talk to her about time. That will be very productive for both of you.

Meanwhile, I’m going to go pour myself a big gulp of coffee and put on pants. Pretty sure I’m going to need both of those for this kid birthday party.

Name: Scout, Age:7, Position: Middle Child

You are so cool. Cool as ice. You are all relaxed with your inside out Hawaiian shirt. I’m not even sure how you did that with all those buttons, but I feel very optimistic about your future in engineering.

Something to work on:

Bringing your shoes to all places. YES you do need shoes. ALWAYS. Remember those times when we got to the grocery store and you said, “No-one told me I needed shoes”? Well, I’m going to go ahead and hand off that torch to you. I will no longer be informing you whether you need shoes, pants, or arms for where we are going.

Bring all those things. Every. Time. Capiche?

Name: Oaklee, Age: 5, Position: Oldest Girl

You are good at dancing and singing. I didn’t really know that musicals could be real until I met you. You are also extremely good at art, especially when you don’t use glue sticks to hang pictures on the wall.

Thing to work on:

Sitting still. Is your spirit animal a hummingbird? Are you worried the zombies are coming? I just want to remember what your face looks like when you are not moving.

Name: Haven, Age: 3, Position: Youngest 

Your cuteness is definitely working for you.

Otherwise, due to excessive tantrums and not really being a team-player, we would probably have to send you to toddler summer camp.

Things to work on:


You know when you were sobbing that you wanted to go swimming, and I was all, “We are going swimming.” And you kept crying?

What was that?

Also, you are cutoff from the bandaids.



I’d like to take this time to again thank you for being children of the Johnston household. Feel free to send any mom-complaints you have to Santa Claus.

Yours forever and forever,



Friends, fellow Summertime-Warriors, follow me here at Wonderoak, on Facebook and Wonderoakblog on Instagram!!


This post originally appeared at

Previous articleI Love My Husband—But I Almost Destroyed Our Marriage
Next articleThis Mom of a 4-Month-Old Was Shamed For Wearing a Bikini—and Her Response is 100% MOM-tastic!
Jessica Johnston
Jessica Johnston, her husband and her four kids (Malachi 8, Scout 6, Oaklee 4, Haven 2) live in the heart of Montana. She’s passionate about community, adventure, family and KEEPIN’ IT REAL in the process. Her writing has appeared on and Scary Mommy. She loves sharing laughs with you at You can follow her there, or “like” her page on Facebook’s WONDEROAK Blog.