An Open Letter to the Person Thinking About an Affair

Today, I’m writing an open letter to those who are thinking about an affair… because if you are even considering it, my prayer is this post will stop you dead in your tracks.

You see, you only get one life to live to be the kind of person you want to become – the kind of person you want to be known for. And the choices you make determine the legacy you will leave.

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"Today, I’m writing an open letter to those who are thinking about having an affair… because if you are even considering it, my prayer is this post will stop you dead in your tracks." #saveyourmarriage #adultery #affair #affairproof #Christianmarriage #healthymarriage #Christianwife #Christianhusband #foreverymom

You decide whether you will be a person who is strong in character, a person of integrity that people can depend upon, or if you will be the kind of person that will break your vows, callously break your spouse’s and you children’s hearts, be a person who can’t be trusted and lives a life of regret.

So, if you are thinking about having an affair, DON’T! JUST DON’T!

There’s far too much at stake for you to take the easy way out and ignore everyone who is willing to speak truth into your life.

I’m not going to pretend that my goal is anything else other than to put the brakes on the very thing that will break up your marriage and your home – and I’m going to be blunt so this won’t be easy. But you need to read it. You really need to read it!

So, let’s start by calling it what it really is because our society has a tendency to make even the most dreadful, disgraceful and dishonorable things seem palatable.

It’s adultery. It’s not fooling around. It’s not even an affair. It’s adultery. Sin.

With approximately 55% of marriages claiming infidelity as the cause of divorce, adultery is heartbreakingly prevalent.

So, before you let your desires ruin your life and the lives of those around you, think beyond the moment and let’s look at the consequences of what you are considering.

Here’s what will happen (not might happen – but WILL happen) if you give in to your desires and commit adultery…

1. You will break the vow you made before God. Don’t minimize God’s expectations for you and your marriage. And don’t think it’s not serious business to vow a vow to God and then not keep it. (When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; For He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.” Ecclesiastes 5:4-5)

2. You will stand before God one day. You may not want to think about this but it doesn’t change the fact that we all will stand before God one day.

3. You will betray the one you promised to love for life. You once laughed together and felt all of those fluttery ‘first-love’ feelings for the one you are thinking about betraying. Rather thank thinking about an affair, think about ways to invest in your marriage.

4. You will break your spouse’s heart and leave them with a scar on their heart that you can never repair – no matter how many times you ask for forgiveness. (Yes, God can mend your spouse’s broken heart, but you will never be able to.)

5. You will break your children’s hearts and they will carry the affects of your betrayal with them for the rest of their lives. Whether your children are infants or young adults, they look up to you and an adulterous affair will devastate them. Don’t think for a minute that they are ‘flexible’ so they will be okay. Or they are too young or too old for it to really matter. It does matter. And they will be broken-hearted by it. And it will be all your fault. Yes. I said it. All your fault.

6. You will permanently mar your influence as a parent. Your children may eventually forgive you, but they will never trust you again. And they will always have an excuse to not listen to you, to not take you seriously, to blame you for what happens to them, for their feelings of insecurity, for their anger, for the bitterness, for their own propensity to sin. You will rightfully become their reason for unforgiveness, for acting out, for withdrawing, for arguing, for whatever type of behavior erupts from your infidelity.

7. Your spouse will never fully trust you or feel confident of your love. Yep! It’s guaranteed that you will ruin any chance of making your spouse feel fully loved by you and he/she will never fully be able to trust you. Oh, God can redeem your marriage, but the scars on your spouse’s heart will always remain and certain things will always trigger painful thoughts, mistrust, and feelings of insecurity.

8. You reputation will be ruined. Yup! That’s true. You will always be known as the person who committed adultery. That Scarlet Letter thing is real. You will wear a big “A” on your sleeve for the rest of your life. Oh, people may forgive you. God will forgive you. But you will always be known for what you did. That’s the way it is. We are known by our actions. For better or for worse.

9. You will ruin the reputation of the one you commit adultery with. It’s true. They will have to live with it the rest of  their lives too. That Scarlett Letter will follow that person every where they go as well.

10. Guilt. It’s real and it’s too heavy to carry for the rest of your life. But you will. Every time your spouse looks at you (even if you end up divorced), and every time your children look at you, you will know you failed them and the one they should have been able to trust is the one who betrayed them.

11. You will feel far from God. Sin does that. It separates you from the fellowship you need the most… fellowship with God. Nothing is more important that your relationship with God. Guard it. Guard your heart. Getting back to that sweet fellowship with God will elude – perhaps for the rest of your life.

12. You will lose discernment, be filled with darkness and live a life of lies. Sounds dramatic, I know. But it’s true. Sin has a way of clouding your view and distorting reality. It fills you with ‘dark’ thoughts. Thoughts that you never imagined and shouldn’t entertain. And you will become a master of deception but while you think you are fooling those around you, you are not only fooling yourself, you are also making yourself look like a fool. Your heart will become cold and you will be deluded into thinking what you are doing is justifiable.

13. You will miss out on the fulness of what God has for you. God loves you. His plan for you is good. But when you choose sin over following God’s plan for your life, you can’t expect to walk in the fulness of the plan He has for you.

14. Your risk leaving a painful imprint on your children’s heart that may make it hard for them to ever trust anyone again. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth denying your children the future they deserve just to fulfill a selfish desire.

15. You will ruin your testimony. A testimony is different than a reputation. A testimony is built over time and is a product of what others see God doing in your life and how you walk through trials, temptations, struggles and challenges. Your testimony takes years to build, a moment to destroy and a lifetime to try to rebuild.

If you’re thinking about having an affair, DON’T! JUST DON’T!! 

It’s not worth it and there is far too much at stake! 

And did I mention that it’s commonly referred to as the most selfish thing a person can do – and for good reason.

Oh… and the ‘new rush’ you feel when you’re near that person who is causing you to contemplate adultery… it will fade. Remember, new is only new for a short time and those fluttering feels will fail to arouse your heart as well as you sooner or later.

I realize your marriage may be hard, you may be lonely in your marriage, things maybe tough. But rather than seek to find comfort and companionship from someone else, invest in making your marriage all it can be and let God make a miracle out of your marriage!

Today you have the opportunity to decide what kind of person you will be, what kind of person others will know you as, and what kind of legacy you will leave.

Choose to do what is right. You will have forever to be glad you did or a lifetime to regret you didn’t.

On a side note…

Hackers have recently threatened to release the names and photos of millions of members of the scandalous Ashley Madison site which was created for the sole purpose to help people have an affair. (Imagine how many broken hearts and homes that would cause!! Oh how my heart hurts for those families!)

I know I’m a tad naive, but I didn’t even realize a site like that existed.

In an interview with ABC, Ashley Madison’s founder, Noel Biderman is quoted as saying, “Long before I launched AshleyMadison there were affairs, and long after I’m gone there will be affairs,” Biderman said. “What I’m trying to do is help people have the more perfect affair.”

Noel told ABC that he makes $40 million dollars a month – A MONTH! $40 million dollars off of creating a way to make it easy for people commit adultery and to break up families and leave spouses and children devastated.

Mr. Biderman, there is no such thing as a perfect affair. Lives are devastated because their spouse chose to act on their own ‘desires’ rather than take their vows to love their spouse until death parts them. And Noel Biderman is making millions off of other people’s misery!

I can’t believe Mr. Biderman lines his wretched wallet with money made at the expense of husbands, wives and children…. through the broken families he has left behind with nothing but heartache.

He may say we have no right to judge him, but I’m not attempting to be his judge. God is His Judge and that is a judgment he will not be able to escape. My prayer is that he will repent.


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Stephanie Shott
Stephanie Shott  is a pastor’s wife, mom of two adult sons, abuela (grandma), writer, speaker and Bible teacher who loves Jesus like crazy and loves ministering to the hearts of women. She founded The M.O.M. Initiative with a passion to help the body of Christ make mentoring missional.