The last couple days I have been amusing myself with the topic of lazy parenting, so today I wanted to give a step by step guide for those who want to throw off the title of “Lazy Mom” and become a fully engaged “Pinterest Mom”. This step by step guide will lay out each moment of your day and help you to embrace your new calling of “best mom on social media/the block”
4am – Alarm goes off. At first you think angry thoughts then you remember that today everything changed. You will live up to your full mom-tential and your kids will be better for it.
4:05 – Get out of bed, shower, do hair in one of those fancy eight strand braids. Yes, you will fail about 10 times but if you persevere your hairdo might somewhat resemble the picture.
5:00 – Begin makeup. Use one of those Pinterest face maps to be sure that you get all the contouring and highlighting just right. Choose one of those fancy eye makeup pictures and attempt to replicate it, and when it ends up looking like someone took a bat to your face wash and begin again. Repeat until it looks perfect. Take a selfie and post in on Instagram, Facebook and tweet about how great you look.
6:00 Begin breakfast. If your kids aren’t eating a delicious, gourmet Paleo breakfast, they will most likely fail at life and end up homeless. Their very future is in your hands. If you are worth your salt at all, you chose a recipe last night and did the meal prep. Go ahead and complete that amazing meal and don’t forget the garnishes. Sure, it looks like something no kid would ever eat, but the blogger said kids went nuts over it so just trust her. Take a few pictures at various stages of breakfast making and be sure to Instagram them, people are going to want to see this and you might just challenge them to aspire to rise to your level of mom-tacular-ness.
7:00 Wake children. You already laid out their clothes last night because you are awesome. You found some clothing combinations that look Pinterest worthy and the kids are going to look great. You ignore the meltdown your daughter has over how much she hates that outfit, wrestle her into it and tell her to go brush her teeth.
7:15 The table is set, the kids are dressed and breakfast is laid out before them. It looks awesome. Try to ignore the looks of disgust on your kids faces. Ignore the heaving sounds they are making too. This is healthy and they will love it (even though they don’t know it yet). Tweet something like “A delicious breakfast with the most beautiful kids in the world #thanksPinterestForTeachingMeTheMeaningOFLife”
7:45 Throw away uneaten breakfast, they won this round but your spirit is not broken. Quickly do your daughter’s hair in some fancy way, give them the amazing snacks you made and send the older ones off to school.
8:00 Clean Kitchen, there are a LOT of dishes but you will tackle them now with homemade dish soap and cloths that you made yourself in your spare time. That kitchen will be so clean! The toddlers will get restless while you do this and TV is NOT an option if you’re a good mom, which you are. Lay out 4 or 5 different sensory bins for them one with rice, one with sawdust, one with moon sand, and one with playdoh. Something in the back of your mind tells you that this is a really bad idea, but all sorts of mom blogs say otherwise so you ignore your judgement and just do it.
9:00 The kitchen looks awesome and the kids have been so quiet! Time to go start some preschool homeschooling with them, let’s get those little minds learning now like Pinterest said.
9:05 Holy Crap! There is moonsand, sawdust, sand and rice EVERYWHERE. You will want to freak out but that would but un-Pinterestly so you take a moment or two in the bathroom alone, then touch up your hair and makeup and take it head on. You are, after all, armed with all the cleaning tips Pinterest has to offer.
11:00 You are a little behind. You had planned to teach the first half of the alphabet this morning, but that little sensory fiasco set you back a bit. You will need to make use of those multi-tasking posts you pinned last month. You need to make those awesome gourmet Panini you pinned that have sprouts and fancy cheese and all sort of interesting things in them. You were supposed to make your own bread but the toddlers wrecked that plan. Luckily, being a Pinterest mom, you have backup bread ready from the local bakery. While you prep lunch you can teach toddler the alphabet and numbers 1-10. You can even let them help you make lunch at the same time. Pinterest says it is good for kids to help in the kitchen and it strengthens your bond.
11:30 Banish toddler from the kitchen. What fool thought it was and goof idea to let them help? They don’t appear to have any desire to learn to read either, make a mental note to look up “un-averageify your kids” on Pinterest later in your free time. Finish lunch and go pick up older kid.
12:15 More gagging noises and lots of fussing. Attempt to reason with your children explaining the health benefits of kale and Spirulina smoothies.
12:30 Send kids to their room for a time out. Clean up more wasted expensive food. Write a blog post about food waste and how if we all wasted less there would be no world hunger.
1:00 You are exhausted but your day is only half over. Pull yourself together. Start and a load of wash with homemade laundry soap and get ready for craft time. The kids are begging to just watch TV but that would be failure on your part.
1:15 Finger painting time! You have a tutorial ready and they are going to create a masterpiece for you wall. This is going to be awesome, free amazing art made by your own kids! You are going to Instagram the daylights out of this!
1:20 Why? Why are they so obsessed with brown and puke green? This looks NOTHING like the picture! OK, you can fix this. Take away real ugly colours and start over.
1:40 Success. There was a tell bit of yelling/pleading/bribing but you have your art. Sure you did most of it yourself but you are going to tell everyone that your kids did it themselves for you as a surprise. Instagram it.
2:00 Clean up mess. Set kids up with activity sheets and homework while you begin the “deep clean your house in 15 minutes” routine. Tweet about it before you begin.
2:15 That didn’t work as well as you expected but oh well.
2:20 It’s reading circle time. Read something that will make your kids brilliant. One of the classics, maybe Les Miserables. They are gonna love this and you will cuddle and bond. Tweet about how awesome it’s gonna be before you begin.
2:40 Give up. You have been wrestling toddler for 20 minutes trying to get them to sit still and enjoy this but you are about to lose your cool. No need to tell twitter about your failure.
3:00 Makeup is fixed and you’ve changed into clean, super cute clothes, it’s time for some outdoor activities. First a quick trip to the park, then a nature walk to talk about all the amazing creatures you will see.
4:00 You didn’t make it past the park, when you suggested a walk the kids FREAKED out, this was threatening to damage your perfect mom facade so you whispered a few threats and went home. It is time to start
WWIII supper anyway.
5:00 Your organic, free range bison steaks are marinating and almost ready for the grill. You have biscuits in the oven and an assortment of other side dishes ready. This is going to be healthy and delicious the kids will eat it. Be sure to document your progress on social media.
5:15 Touch up your appearance quick, your husband will get home soon and you should look amazing for him. Cover up the bags under your eyes with some extra concealer and fix your hair, it’s all windblown and frizzy now so it is going to take some work.
5:30 Set the table, find a fancy centerpiece quick! This table needs to look like it could be in a magazine (or on Pinterest!) Instagram it.
5:45 Husband is home and talking about how tired he is. You are tired to but don’t say so, it is important that you use all those “good wife tips” now. A shoulder massage while he eats would be a good start.
6:00 Give up on getting the kids to eat their supper. Send them to get their baths after letting them fill up on bread. You are too tired to care.
6:30 Clean the kitchen.
7:00 Put the kids to bed after bedtime stories.
7:30 Prep everything for tomorrow.
8:30 Shower and put on a DIY facial mask. You feel like passing out but your husband is going to want to spend some time with you so pull yourself together.
9:00 Fall asleep while your husband is talking to you. Oops. You will do better tomorrow.
OR just be you, remember that what we see on Social media and Pinterest isn’t the whole story it’s only the pretty parts. You are already a great mom already and doing all this stuff will not make you a better mom or wife. Rest in the grace we have been given and just be there for your kids. 🙂
This post originally appeared at Unashamed Grace.