The 5 Best Places to Hide from Your Children When You’re Desperate For a Moment of SHHHH

Children are great.

Okay, I got that part out of the way.

Now, let’s get real for a moment. Kids can be REAL buttholes sometimes.

The most recent debate in our home is regarding two important issues:

1.) Humans cannot live off sugar. The only person that worked out for was Buddy the Elf, and he was an effin’ ELF- my child is not. I’ve explained that in full detail and furthermore, told her if she wants to live like Buddy the Elf, she has to fully commit. We don’t half-ass in this house. Somewhere between eating spaghetti with maple syrup for breakfast, and wearing an elf costume 365 days out of the year- she opted out and agreed she was, in fact, not an elf.

10 Places to Hide When Your Child is Being A Butthole

2.) You need to bathe. No, brushing your teeth does not constitute as bathing. Nope, neither does wiping your entire body down with a Wet Wipe. Soap + Running Water= BATHING. There is no way around it, young child of mine.

There are some days I win these battles, however, most days, I wave the white flag and surrender; merely, for the sake of pulling out what little hair I have left. It has come to my attention that many other parents’ seem to suck at these battles, too. Call it lack of will power, call it “this day was just too #[email protected] long to deal with this $#[email protected],” call it whatever you like.

For those of you who aren’t in the “I’m Totally Rocking This Parenting Thing” club, I’ve created a tip sheet, which might be followed up with a secret “I’m Totally Sucking at This Parenting Thing” club. (I’ll keep you posted on that.)

Nonetheless, I’ve created a hiding spot sheet for parents who ‘ain’t got time for that’. Feel free to share this tip sheet with your friends (preferably the non-sanctimonious ones, because frankly ‘I ain’t got time’ for the sanctimonious mommas’):

Best Places to Hide From Your Children:

1. The Pantry: Now, I’m throwing this one up there first because I’ve tried and tested each one of the hiding places on this list, and I’m letting you know that no matter how long you hide, you WILL get hungry. Hiding in the pantry (preferably the one where you keep the canned veggies; the one that no one is likely to look for you) is excellent. I highly suggest moving your alcohol cabinet into the pantry before hand- if it isn’t there already. You have quiet, darkness, alcohol, and if you’re smart- a hidden Kit Kat bar and a bottle of wine.

5 Best Places to Hide From Your Children

2. Your Bed. Now, you may think this one is a bit silly. I mean, what child cannot find you in your room, let alone your own bed? Realistically, you’d think that’d be the first place they’d look. WELL, if you happen to go a few days without making your bed, you can position your body ever so delicately in the perfect position so it looks like your bed is one tangled mess. Only difference this time around, you’re hidden inside that tangled mess. Kids have ZERO patience- I promise they won’t think twice to pat the bed down for a human (like you do when they are hiding from you). Disadvantages? If you don’t have a TV in your room, this can get a bit boring. However, if you have one of those camping head-lights that straps to your head, or a portable lantern (like me), you can read a great book (under the covers)! Remember to peak out for oxygen- the point is to hide, not die.

5 Best Places to Hide From Your Children

3. The Garage. Now, this one isn’t a good place if you live in cold weather. Or, if you prone to OCD attacks. I hid in the garage last month and ended up with an entirely re-organized Christmas and Halloween garage cabinet. I found all my board games, and my 8-year-old’s baby stroller…I also came across some of my old sporting equipment, like my snowboard, which actually reminded me that I really enjoy snowboarding. I then went online and tried to book a trip to Big Bear. (This tip is also not advisable for people who struggle with impulse purchases, or self-diagnosed cases of ADHD—like myself.)

5 Best Places to Hide From Your Children

4. Your Car. Okay, so maybe I lied about the pantry being the best hiding place. I found that the car is BY FAR the best hiding spot. However, there’s a catch. Your car has to resemble my car’s interior. Last visit/hide to my car, I had two bottles of water, a half eaten bag of Goldfish, an old cheese stick (which I decided to pass on) and the best of them all— A KIT KAT BAR! Alright, if you’re car isn’t messy like mine, there are other perks about hiding in the car. First, if you bring your phone with you, you can play Candy Crush with your seat reclined; if someone looks out the window for you (that someone being a small human looking for you so they can ask you what the meaning of life is, or why God invented broccoli), you are out of sight. The one thing I was ecstatic about when I purchased my car a year ago was that it came with heated seats. I cannot tell you the joy that a reclined heated seat, candy crush, and silence brings you on any day. *Side Tip* This is also a suggestion when you leave the house to do anything. Grocery shopping? Spend an extra five minutes before you enter/leave the store in the parking lot absorbing the pure bliss that is silence and blasting candies on your mobile device. Just don’t send me a #$%! Candy Crush invite.

5 Best Places to Hide From Your Children

5. Your Bathroom. I have a window in my bathroom; it’s great for people watching (A.K.A snooping on your neighbors). My home lacks a bathtub in the master bath, so I don’t use this bathroom nearly as much as I use the one with the tub (which is great, because my child is that much less likely to look for me there), but there is this nice little stool in the shower, and if you manage to blend yourself JUST PERFECTLY, you might be missed on the first initial searches. This is the least optimal hiding spot, and only recommended when you need just a breather. **Side Note** If you are planning to eat anything while in hiding, make sure to remove the item from the wrapper prior to entering the bathroom. Bathrooms have excellent acoustics and the unveiling of a PayDay is like a unique rendition of the Folger’s coffee commercial. Your children WILL find you, and “the best part of a hiding spot, is not your children finding outtttt”

5 Best Places to Hide From Your Children

And, that about sums it up, my top 5 places to hide from your children. Like I said, share this list with your friends, but please, not the ones in the “We Totally Have This Parenting Sh*t Together” clubs- those people don’t like people like you and I, they think we’re doing it all wrong and don’t deserve to know our tricks for sanity. Now, if you think you can sway them to the dark side- that’s a whole different story.

CHEERS my fellow hiders! I’ll see ya on Facebook the next time I’m hiding in my garage! 

This post originally appeared at SmashleyAshley.com.

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Ashley Alteman
Ashley Alteman is the writer behind SmashleyAshley.com where she details her laugh-out-loud parenting moments, personal trials and triumphs, and everything in between. Her work has appeared on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, BLUNTmoms, and more. You can find her on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.