To My Sons With Love (and Exasperation): A Primer in Proper Peeing

Dear Boys,

I know that you’re technically “potty trained,” but let’s be honest: to say you’re trained would indicate that you are experienced – nay, proficient – at something. And even though you’re not in diapers any more, there are still a few things you need to learn about the proper use of a toilet. So as a courtesy to you (and anyone who has to use the bathroom after you), I’m going to give you a little refresher course in the basics. For example, this obvious-yet-worth-mentioning cardinal rule …

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Aim. Seriously. See that area with all the water in it? That’s called the toilet bowl and that’s where you pee. You should preferably point at the hole at the bottom, but I’ll be happy as long as you just hit the water. I know you have this fun little appendage that allows you to urinate in every direction (I’m actually kind of jealous), but that same flexibility is what makes it possible to put your pee-stream in a specific place. LIKE THE WATER. As such, there is literally no reason why I should ever find crusty yellow spots or dribbles on the seat or the edges or the floor or soaking into the edges of the bath mat.

But if such a thing happens …

Clean it up. Ah! Such a simple solution! Just use your eyes: if you see yellow outside of the perimeter of the toilet bowl, dab it up with some T.P. and everybody will be happy. Of course, these types of accidents can be prevented if you …

Do not pee in weird positions. There are two main ways to get the job done, boys: standing up or sitting down. Not backwards. Not planking across the toilet. Not positioning yourself three feet away and trying to arch. Not squatting on the seat like Gollum.

And while we’re on the subject of the toilet seat? Let me give you another hint …

It has more than one position. Namely, up or down. If you’re sitting down, the seat should be down. If you’re standing up, the seat should be up. And when you finish, take one second to put both the seat and the lid down as a favor to others (i.e., me,) – because a cold, clammy toilet rim to the bum is an experience that pretty much everyone prefers to avoid.

So you see, my dear sons, correct and courteous usage of the toilet takes a bit of extra effort – but it will prevent your bathroom from looking and smelling like a Port-a-Potty. And it keeps your mother, and eventually your future spouse, happy.

I know you can aim, because I’ve seen you hit a dandelion off the edge of the deck with sharpshooter-like precision (and so have the neighbors). So do me a solid and use those skills in the bathroom, because I’m tired of wearing a Hazmat suit when I clean it.

Love,
Mom


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Rita Templeton
Rita Templeton is a writer and mom to four lively, imaginative little boys. She lives in Davenport, Iowa, where she maintains her sanity by blogging at Fighting off Frumpy (and occasionally locking herself in her closet with a box of cookies). Come say hi on Twitter @fightingfrumpy, Instagram, and Facebook.