“Who Needs Sleep?”—and 33 Other Things Moms Never Say. EVAH.

1. “Kids, whatever you do…don’t sleep in on Saturday morning. It’s SO frustrating when I have to drag you out of bed.”

2. “Hooray!!! The laundry’s finally done!”

3. “I’m so bored, and I have so much energy; I think I’ll wash my walls.”

4. “Honey, I’m headed to bed; I can’t wait to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

5. “Oh, good! It’s raining again! I love being stuck inside.”

6. “Kids, thank you for being absolutely perfect in all ways.”

7. “Sweetie, there’s no need to actually eat what I gave you just…just go ahead and smoosh it between your fingers and throw it on the floor.”

8. ” In my free time, I enjoy taking phone calls with small children in the house.”

9. “Sure, you can go ahead and eat Little Debbie snacks and Pez all day; that was my plan before I even opened my eyes this morning.”

10. “Ouch!  I burnt my tongue; that bite of food was so hot!”

11. “Sometimes the hubby and I get so overwhelmed by all of the long, uninterrupted conversations we have.”

12. “Babe, let’s go somewhere really fancy for dinner tonight. Ya know? Somewhere where it’s nice and quiet and the kids can yell and chew on crayons?”

13. “Hi! Welcome to our home. Please don’t drop anything while you’re here because we pride ourselves in stain-free carpets.”

14. “I wish someone would yell for me. Ya know? Like scream at the top of their lungs because they need me right away. It really makes me feel wanted.”

15. “Buddy, when we walk into the store, the first thing we are going to do is buy you a snack and then head to the toy aisle. K?”

16. “If I have to tell you one more time to stop whining, I think I’m going to throw you a party!”

17. “One of my favorite things about parenthood is the long, leisurely showers and the hot cups of coffee.”

18. “Thank you Netflix for suggesting ‘Caillou’; you know me so well.”

19. “I’m so glad that random strangers know the best way to raise my children; it’s so encouraging to know that the village knows best.”

20. “Buddy, could you go ahead and put those small, sharp toys right in my sandals? I’d like to step on them all day long.”

21. “I hope your daddy has to work late tonight because parenting by myself is so easy.”

22. “Okay, kiddos…the only thing on my ‘To-Do-List’ today is to meet your needs and play with you all day long; I’m all yours!”

23. “If you’re going to throw the ball in the house, would you make sure you throw it at the only expensive thing I own?”

24. “I feel like I’m never in my kitchen; I miss it so much.”

25. “Hey honey, let’s go upstairs…the kids will never know we’re missing.”

26. “Now, listen kids. We’re going to a new place where we are going to meet new people, so I would like you to act like a psycho.”

27. “No need to brush your teeth, put on your shoes, or change your underwear; they were all just suggestions anyway.”

28. “You know what sounds absolutely awful? Going to the grocery store alone.”

29. “You know what sounds worse than awful? Having a bowel movement alone.”

30. “Could you please kick the back of my seat while I drive? I think I drive better when I feel your feet in my spine.”

31. “Kids, back in 2009 (before you were even a thought), we would sit on this very couch and say, ‘This couch is going to make a perfect trampoline some day; I’m so glad we chose this one.”

32. “For the rest of my life, I want all of my spare money to go toward diapers.”

33. “Sweetie, would you look at the camera and give me your very best stink eye? I need a good stink eye for the frame in the living room!”

Previous article10 Sex Secrets I Wish I Knew Before I Was Married
Next articleThis Mom’s Bill of Rights is So Spot On You’ll Want to Post it in Every Room of the House
Jessica Buczek
A former English teacher, a licensed counselor, and a forever teammate with her husband of seven years, Jessica Buczek resides in Dayton, Ohio with her three-year-old son and her one-year-old daughter. Following Jesus, drinking coffee, taking sanity walks, consuming books, devouring Doritos, and capturing family memories through the written word are just a few of her favorite things. She would love for you to visit her at her blog Uploading Memories, Downloading Grace.