I’m super guilty of the, “If I could just ____, then I’d be happy” mindset. I hate that I do this, but I do.
If I could just graduate high school and move away, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just finish college and work, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just get more hours at this job so I can have more money, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just find a man, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just be engaged, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just get married, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just be a mom, then I’ll be happy.
The problem is, that’s not happiness, and that is not a way to spend your life. But I’m guilty of this, so, so, so guilty of this. But what happens when you check each of those things off? Then you’ll be happy? No, because the problem is that there’s always more to add. Always. Because if you are not content and joyful and happy where you are with what you have RIGHT NOW, you will never be. And it’s scary, to be in this mindset and knowing that you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and miserable for all of your life if you don’t snap out of it. And trust me, I’m preaching to myself more than anything.
The first 3 months of marriage were so easy, it’s funny. I remember hitting that 3 month mark and suddenly I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, my husband kinda bugged me. A lot. And things that he did bugged me. And things that he said hurt my feelings. Before marriage, I would not have called myself a sensitive person. But just like marriage does, it teaches you things about yourself that you wish weren’t true. I wish I wasn’t moody or irritable. I wish I didn’t care that I had to do the dishes for the millionth time. I wish I could communicate my feelings and thoughts better. I wish I was this, I wish I didn’t do that. It opens your eyes to everything you suck at, and I don’t like to suck at things. I don’t like to be in the wrong, or have to apologize. Am in the only one? No? Okay, good.
When you’re married, you have to apologize. You have to say that you were wrong sometimes. And honestly, for me and my marriage, my husband is probably right more than I am (don’t tell him that). Now, there are loads of times where he is in the wrong, but since I am super humble and the best wife ever, I let it slide. (Hint: sarcasm.)
Marriage got hard. It got scary. I realized things about myself that I didn’t like. I realized things about him that I didn’t like. But there we were, married for life. Some days were easy and blissful and just plain great. Other days, we were so irritated with each other that we would barely talk.
And I felt like there was something wrong with us. Because I used to look at people’s picture perfect social media marriages and get mad. I’d get mad because I didn’t think it was fair. I didn’t think it was fair because I thought, “How come their marriage is great and their husband is nice to them and mine sucks and I’m giving my husband the silent treatment because he hurt my feelings for the thousandth time?!? Why!?” (Because obviously, I was a child.)
