I Have Five Children Even Though You Just See Four

I have five children.

If I’m asked how many kids I have by someone new, I say four. Not because I am uncomfortable, but because it is a difficult conversation for others. My children are 21, 19, 13, 10, and I have an angel being held in God’s arms.

I don’t know if Andrew remains a baby in Heaven or if he is growing up like his brothers and sister. I don’t know if, when I go to Heaven, he will be set in my arms like he would have been on the day of his birth had he lived, or if he will meet me as a grown man when I arrive.

Whatever happens, I know that I will know him. I’ve never seen his face beyond his tiniest baby stage, but I will know him.

I never got to rock him to sleep or tuck him in at night, but I know the shape of his soul. I carried it within me.

And I will recognize his heart because it is enmeshed with my own.

Every day that I breathe I miss him.

I write about Andrew for many different reasons.

When I say his name he lives on for me. I will never teach him to tie his shoes, or help him learn his ABC’s, or shout for joy the first time he rides a bike or throws a baseball, but when I write about the tiny amount of time he lived under my heart his memory stays fresh and alive.

Lauri Walker
Lauri Walkerhttp://mamaneedsanap.com
Lauri Walker is wife to Brandon and Mama to four kids who’ve managed genius status despite being raised on chicken nuggets and take out. She’s the Coach’s wife, a sports Mama, and her car smells like baseball cleats no matter how hard she tries. Lauri has her own blog at Mama Needs a Nap  and contributes to That’s Inappropriate, Filter Free Parents, and Today Parents Parenting Team. She has also appeared on Perfection Pending, Scary Mommy, and Grown and Flown, among others. Buy her books! She'll come read them to you at your house! Will Work for Apples and The Unofficial Guide to Surviving Life With Boys. You can find her on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

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