5. Do not minimize her pain and never use the phrase “at least”
In attempts to fill silence when you don’t know what to say, you might try to say something helpful, but it’s going to be hurtful. Be careful. Best rule of thumb here is when you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all. Go back to point 4 and just be still with her. You might be tempted to say things like: “at least you’ve had this time with your child, at least you have a child, at least [fill in the blank].” Your heart might be trying to help her “look on the bright side” or help her give thanks for things to cheer her up, but really, it’s probably minimizing her pain and her situation.
6. Show simple acts of love
So don’t disappear, don’t fill the empty space with empty, minimizing, or potentially hurtful words, show up… But what else does this look like? It looks like simple acts of love. It looks like coming over and doing her dishes or cooking her a meal. It looks like bringing her flowers or a cup of coffee from her favorite coffee place. It looks like sending her a text with a simple “thinking of you today” or asking how she is doing. Maybe it’s offering to watch her other children if she has any so she can spend some one on one time with her sick child. Maybe it’s sending her a self-care basket. Think of the best way you might be able to show her a simple act of love and act on it.
7. Know where you are in her circle
Are you in her inner circle? Her best friend, her mom, her sister? Are you in her middle circle? Her friend from small group or church or co-worker friends? Are you in her outer circle? Are you her co-worker but you don’t have much of a relationship? Do you know her from the gym but are just really Facebook friends or acquaintances? Where you are in her circle determines the appropriate ways you respond and show up in her life. If you’re just acquaintances or don’t have a close relationship, you’re more than likely not going to be the person coming over and sitting on the couch with her, you might be the person who brings her a meal or reaches out with a kind comment on social media, and that’s okay and that’s good! If you’re in her inner circle, you might be the person she needs to go with her to a doctor’s appointment or to sit with her in the silence. Know where you are in her circle, and show up in ways that are appropriate.
8. Encourage her to lament and guide her to healing words
This is more for the inner circle friends. You know her best. You can speak most gently and sensitively to her heart. This sort of goes along with points 2 and 4. She doesn’t need you fixing her. She doesn’t need you rescuing her. What she needs is you pointing her to her Savior who is her Healer and Rescuer. But this does not look like quoting Bible verses to her that might make her feel judged for where she is in her faith. Chances are, even if she knows Jesus, she is wrestling with some big things. This is okay. Let her know this! But, again, depending on your relationship and using discernment, a Scripture verse in a text or card, might be appropriate and completely helpful. But for this point, know that her lamenting and grief is normal and healthy and let her know this too. Don’t make her fake fine with you. And if you know of a resource, a book, an article, etc. that you think would be helpful to her, that offers healing words, it’s okay to pass them gently along to her.
9. Help her remember
The fact is, her child is dying. One day will be her last day with him or her. And more than likely she’s spending every day holding on and tying to remember. Help her with this. Give her the gift of a photography session, either offering to do this yourself if you’re talented in this area or giving her a gift card for one. Give her a gift like a hand print kit or something that will create an item to cherish and remember her child. Give her a journal for her to write down important details, milestones, and memories.
10. Make an effort to learn about her child’s condition
Of course it will be natural to ask your friend questions and learn more about her world and what’s going on with her child so you can empathize and better be there for her and her family. But there will be times when she is so tired of sharing information and answering questions and there will be temptations for her to become so lost in sharing facts that they gloss over her need to be real with someone and go beyond the facts. As her friend, use discernment when asking her questions, ask them out of love and genuine desire to know more because you care, not in a probing or questioning manner. Most of all, do a little research on your own. Your effort in educating yourself and raising awareness in your own world will mean something to her and will give you a basis for understanding maybe more of how you can support her. It helps you enter this sacred space of hers that feels isolating.
11. Pray for her
Never underestimate the power of prayer. When you don’t know what to do, when you find yourself not even being able to do some of the above ideas, if you feel her closing herself off to you, pray for her. I cannot count the times that I could tangibly feel people’s prayers covering me and carrying me through my days. Here are some ideas for praying for her: Pray for the Lord’s will to be done in her and her child’s lives. Pray for Him to comfort her, guide her, give her peace, bring her joy, hear her cries, show her mercy and grace, give her wisdom for decision making, bring healing to her heart. Pray that God would lift her eyes and empower her through this journey. And of course we can always pray bold and big prayers of the impossible, prayers for miraculous healing for her child. Pray that God would show you how to show His love to her. You don’t need the perfect words, just pray God would be with her.
Knowing exactly how to respond in hard situations is just that–hard. It takes empathy and wisdom and discernment and genuine love. These ideas I shared above are just some of the ways people showed up for me that helped me when I walked this path, and I hope in sharing them they will help someone else walking the same path.
Lastly, when you know someone who has a dying child, you can expect God to be there in the heart break and pain and fears, you can expect God to meet your friend’s needs, and you can expect Him to show you how to be a friend to her. God is in the middle of everything, especially in our sufferings and heart break.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
I would love to open up a dialogue of specific questions or other ideas you might have on this topic. If you want to do something for or say something to your friend but aren’t sure if it’s wise, I might not know your friend, but I would like to offer myself as a sounding board to help give you a little wisdom or discernment if I can. So please, if you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email, and I would be happy to share more of my thoughts with you and pray for your friend and her child.
Also please check out my page on infant loss and grief for more resources that might be helpful. Specifically, the organization Be Not Afraid is a great resource to find other courageous stories of families who have received a fatal diagnosis for their child during pregnancy.
And lastly, I’ll be sharing more personal details and stories of my daughter Hailey on Trisomy 18 Awareness Day (March 18th) on my Instastories so feel free to follow along and learn more about our experience with Trisomy 18.
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This article originally appeared at An Expectant Heart.
