After writing about how you know if you’re the mom of a boy or the mom of a girl, I realized there are so many indicators that define us moms and literally set us apart from every other life force on Earth. So, here you have it:
You Know You’re a Mom IF…
1. You haven’t heard your actual name the entire day, but you’ve been beckoned relentlessly.
2. You’ve ever sung Old MacDonald with the same enthusiasm you once sang I Will Survive.
3. Lying is always an option, as in … “I’m sorry, the arcade is closed on Sunday.” “I love the outfit you put together yourself.” “You’re right, you do sound just like Beyonce when you sing.” and “No, they don’t give ketchup at the drive-thru.”
4. You have some sort of stain on your clothing that you would literally have to taste to place. What is that? Latte or spit up? Hmm… Gimme a sec… Oh, it’s spit up.
5. You’ve recently consumed a partial plate of sliders, french fries, chicken nuggets, or mini hot dogs and you weren’t attending Mayor McCheese’s wedding.
6. A bulldozer could roll by your bedroom and you wouldn’t even rustle, however you could decipher the sound of a sniffle at 4 AM… across the house … without a monitor … in a thunderstorm.
7. You’ve circled the block quite a few times solely to extend your date night past 9 PM.
8. You’ve actually fallen asleep while reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar, singing the alphabet, or trying to figure out what sound a chick makes.
9. You have an arsenal of shameful tactics to convince other humans to eat (“Here comes the plane.” “There’s a party in your belly.” “Of course, there aren’t veggies in this brownie. Why would anyone do something crazy like that?”)
10. You are fully capable of having conversations while sleeping and they may be as scintillating as the ones you have when you’re awake.
11. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
12. You’ve recently been asked to look at someone’s poop for assessment or for no reason at all.
13. You repeat things you swore you never would, like: “Because I said so.” “One day you’ll thank me.” and “Are your legs broken?” simply because they buy you just a minute of peace — and that is way more valuable than keeping any promise you made to yourself when you were a kid.
14. Someone at some point has peed, pooped, or thrown-up on you and it may have happened in the same day.
15. You consider scented hand sanitizer to be a fancy purchase.
16. Someone else uses your smartphone and all your tech products, for that matter, more than you do.
17. You live in a world where “Maybe” means never and “We’ll See” means when hell freezes over, but somehow those around you haven’t picked up on it yet.
18. You can cut a sandwich into many more shapes than two triangles.
19. You consider a night at TGIFriday’s fine dining.
20. You can’t pee, sleep, or shower without knowing there’s a distinct possibility you’ll have company.
21. You’ve used all the dishes out of the dishwasher before you got around to actually unloading it.