Life is troublesome, which is to say that much of life is incredibly painful and can cause us to question our most rock-solid convictions. Christians are not immune to troubles. Jesus told us plainly that we would have them.
“In this world you will have trouble…” (John 16:33)
I have had my own troubles over the last year, some of which I have written about, but many others that I haven’t. These often keep me up at night. They distract me at work. They cause me to stare blankly into space at the dinner table with my family until a child asks, “Daddy, are you okay?” They bring out emotions in me that I’d rather not feel and thoughts that I’d rather not think.
I would like to face all of my problems directly, to confront them and reconcile them. I would like to deal with them and put them to bed. I would like to be rid of them quickly and cleanly as soon as they come.
But not all troubles can be fixed and not all wounds heal the way that we’d like them to. It’s these things, these lingering pains and blights, that bring out the worst in me.
And the worst is not anger. God has spared me from that disease. It’s not retaliation. I don’t attack others or lash out at innocent people. It’s not fear. I’m not afraid of life’s darkness, to which we’ve all grown accustomed.
No, all of those responses would be bad, but the one that most often threatens me is the one that is worse than all of the others. It is, I will confess, “doubt”. In times of trouble, I am often tempted to doubt God’s present love for me.
This happens when I begin to wonder whether or not my suffering will do permanent damage to my life – an unbiblical idea, I know, since I will receive a new, incorruptible body and life one day – but a discouraging idea, nonetheless.
Enduring temporary suffering is easy, if we can be confident that no lasting damage will be done. But when it seems as if the damage will follow us all the way to the grave, we are particularly vulnerable to doubting God’s love.
How could God love me and take me from my small children? How could God love me and let someone destroy my reputation for offenses I did not commit? How could God love me and take away all that I’ve worked for in His name?
And though there are perfectly sound doctrinal reasons for trusting God’s love, and though there are many biblical examples of godly men and women who have experienced things far worse than these, this is the wound in my heart that Satan threatens to rip open during troubling times.
And so it is helpful to remember this fact, that God does not set out, each day, to prove His love for me anew. He is not like the man who feels, each day, as if he must convince his wandering wife of his affection.
True, everyday brings infinitely new displays of God’s grace and goodness. Each breath is a demonstration of God’s longsuffering with sinners who deserve to die. Every molecule of oxygen that we breathe, every boundary of gravity that orders this universe, every force of friction that keeps tectonic plates from shifting into global apocalypse…these are all displays of God’s grace and kindness toward us.
