I knew it was time to leave, time to walk away. I heard Him over and over again telling me to stop. I ignored, forged ahead, convincing myself that this season would pass, as they all do. And then one day, I just couldn’t keep up any longer. It was time to walk away from the treadmill of to-do lists and piles of work and living densely and trying to live on four hours of sleep for months on end.
I was living my days in over-stretched 24 hours. None of the things filling these 24 hours were independently negative. In fact, my “24” included teaching, church, ministry, family, and a few hours of sleep each night. The missing piece in my life: consistent downtime. Intentional time for taking care of myself physically and mentally which, in turn, would edify my spiritual life. I had traded my Sabbath for schedule.
My heart was weary from this racing life. Not only figuratively but literally. In April there were episodes when I woke around 3a with a start as I could feel my heart beating wildly. I laid in the dark, keeping a close eye on my Fitbit, watching the heartbeat readout jump from my resting 60 to 104 in a matter of seconds. I could hear the rapid pounding against my chest. On several different nights I awoke to this out of control heartbeat. My heart was tired.
Brain function: I am naturally a wee bit forgetful (I blame this on 35 years of taking medicine for epilepsy….let’s just go with that!) but in this time of hurried living I had become downright scary-forgetful! I remember one afternoon my daughter asked me to read a joke on her phone. I wasn’t able to do it. I played it off, laughed at the appropriate time. But the letters seemed to run together and my brain couldn’t separate words quickly. Inside I semi-panicked, wondering what in the world was happening.
And then there’s the whole exercise and eating thing. Eating was my comfort (no judgement, y’all!) Subconsciously, and sadly, I saw eating as a time of rest, as my down time. I would eat in the car to and from school but rarely at school. (Too busy working to eat!) I would grab something carb-heavy and processed at a drive-thru then come home, park at the kitchen table with my laptop, and have supper while reading for a weekly Bible study or working on something for school. I just ate and worked and gravitated to this imitation form of relaxing. Consequently, I started eating larger quantities. More food meant more relaxation. *sigh* Oh, what a train wreck I had become.
