This morning I read an article in the New York Post called ‘I Regret Having Children.’
SPOILER ALERT: It’s NOT the feel-good read of the year. In fact, it’s pretty depressing. Now, if you know me in real life, you know I am a big proponent of “keeping it real”—especially when it comes to motherhood. I think we need to own the wonderful moments AND the moments when we’re crying because we just got pooped on for the 400th time in one day. Motherhood is not without it’s struggles—and that’s part of what makes it so beautiful! Because the struggles DO make you stronger! So when I’m venting about how I didn’t sleep well last night because I got kicked in the head repeatedly by whichever child decided to lay claim to my bed in the middle of the night and pull a Starfish, I don’t need you to tell me to “cherish every moment.” I need you to say, “UGH! That is the WORST! You deserve extra coffee today!”
However!! There’s a difference between venting about the normal ups and downs of motherhood and living in a cycle of negativity over the struggles that taking care of your little people brings. And the tone of the New York Post article, where moms of infants to tweens talk about how they gaze upon their spawn and think “I wish he or she had never been born,” is VERY CONCERNING. Let me throw out a couple examples.
A mom of a 2-year old says of motherhood, “It’s not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching Peppa Pig — I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups — I want to have lunch with friends. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life.”
Then there’s the mother of 10-month-old twins, imagining scenarios in which she can break free from the bondage of marriage and motherhood.
“I have 10 month old twins, and I hate my life. My husband is in the Army, so away a lot. I hate the monotony and the constant CONSTANT crying and battles for attention. I’ve hated it since they were born. Since having them I’ve become increasingly bitter, depressed and angry. I want to start over but my husband will not sacrifice his career and won’t have full custody. I do not want to be a single mum as this would just increase in the intensity.”
And finally, the single mom of a 12-year-old:
“I regret having my daughter. She is now 12 and it is easier as they get older, but sometimes I look at her and wish she had never been born. I was/am a single mother and right from the start the moment the midwife gave her to me I didn’t feel this instant love that people talk of, all I felt was the huge weight of regret.”
Here’s what I want to say to these moms who regret having these precious children.
Dear Mamas,
I commend you for being brave enough to express how you really feel. I am SURE that was hard. Motherhood is full of judgment from other moms and it’s scary to admit you aren’t perfect. I am NOT one of those judgers. I have only love to give you today.
But here’s the thing, girl. Those desperately negative feelings about motherhood can CHANGE. Because YOU can change. Your kids aren’t going away, and even if you run away or give up custody of them, you will still be their mother. Nothing can change that. But YOU CAN CHANGE.
