10 Truths We Leave Out When We Tell Our Kids to Save Sex For Marriage

My cheeks were still flushed from last Tuesday night’s conversation as I fumbled from my side of the bed to the bathroom early Wednesday morning.

I work in campus ministry and had planned a late-night honest conversation for girls on the True Love Waits Movement, which promotes abstinence among teenagers and college students. It gained popularity among many church youth groups in the early 2000’s.

Two friends joined me on Tuesday night. Before I continue, I want to affirm that each of us believes in the fundamental message of the True Love Waits Movement:

We believe that God is the creator of people who bear His image.

We also believe that God is the creator of sex.

As its author, he sets its parameters.

So we also believe he desires that his image bearers experience sex within the covenant of marriage not because he likes rigid rules but because, as our Maker, his parameters are for our good.

My friends and I are a part of the True-Love-Waits generation, and I am thankful for those who taught me about God’s gift of sex in marriage. I am grateful that someone encouraged teenage me to think beyond my Friday night date to my wedding day.  But The True Love Waits Movement left some important truths out of the conversation. We owe future generations a more robust understanding of God’s gifts of sex and grace.

I believe in vulnerability. I believe God powerfully uses vulnerability to free the children of his church from isolation.

But it got real last Tuesday night.

We shared our very different and deeply personal stories about S-E-X.  After a two-hour conversation solely on the topic, anyone would have red cheeks lingering the next morning.

But God affirmed the necessity for this conversation: this raw, messy, beautiful conversation.

Here are some of my takeaways from Tuesday night’s talk:

1. Followers of Christ do not lose their “purity” if they have sex before marriage.

I understand the sentiment. But this language of The True Love Waits Movement can be damaging to our understanding of God.  A plethora of verses in Scripture exist on the gifting of Christ’s righteousness or purity before God to those who have faith in him.

Is sex outside of marriage a sin, according to Scripture? Yes. But does Christ take back from us his imputed righteousness and purity? No. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).

2. Sex before marriage is not the unforgivable sin.

God does not draw a line in the sand and withhold his grace at sex before marriage.

3. Sex doesn’t play out like The Notebook simply because you save it for marriage.

There’s a huge learning curve. Trust me on this one.

4. Some people don’t have a say in whether they experience sexual activity before marriage.

1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys are victims of sexual abuse during childhood. 1 in 6 American women is a victim of an attempted or completed rape. Child pornography is a growing industry.*

A large number of people do not choose sexual activity before marriage. This is missing from the whole True Love Waits conversation, ostracizing those whose choice to wait was taken from them.

5. Sex should not be “too holy” for discussion.

Sex is a good and sacred gift from God. But the True Love Waits Movement sometimes sends the message that it is too sacred to even learn about until marriage.

Lanie Anderson
Lanie Anderson
Lanie Anderson is a wife, campus minister, and coffee drinker living my questions in Oxford, MS, and is pursuing a master's degree in Christian Apologetics at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. You can follow her blog at LanieAnderson.com.

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