Editors note: the author of this article asked to remain anonymous to protect the identity of the woman who was sexually assaulted in this incident.
I haven’t thought of her in years.
No, that’s a lie. We’re actually Facebook friends (because when you grow up in a small town, you somehow end up connected online more than you ever were in person decades ago). So I guess it’s more accurate to say I haven’t thought about that day in years.
But with everything that’s been in the news lately, it’s brought up a lot of memories I’d buried deep. It’s reminded me of the time a teacher crossed the line, and the time I wasn’t sure I could stop the boy I’d just met from doing something I didn’t want him to do. But what’s weighed most heavily on my mind over the past couple of weeks is the time a classmate told me she was raped – and I didn’t believe her.
I can still see us – the room we were sitting in, her face as she tried to make me understand. I can feel the remnants of the panic that raced through my body at her words. The disbelief. The fear. The need to control the situation and protect my friend – the one she was accusing of this horrific act. I can see it and feel it all now, for the first time in the decades since it happened.
At 16 years old, I didn’t understand all the ways a woman can be hurt by a man. I didn’t know about date rape; I didn’t know that it’s called rape when a man doesn’t stop when a woman says yes but then changes her mind. I didn’t know.
I was a baby feminist being raised by a feminist. I was – and still am – all about girl power and smashing the patriarchy. Today you’ll see me retweeting and sharing posts full of hashtags like #ibelieveher, #metoo, #timesup, and even #imwithher. If hashtags had been a thing in the 90s, I would have been doing it then, too.
But I didn’t know. What I knew is that one of my closest friends, one of my most favorite people on earth, had hooked up with a girl I didn’t really know. And now she was telling me she hadn’t wanted it, that he’d forced her. Now she was using the “r” word.
