Driving you home the other day, I was scared, but buckling you in felt normal. Even though None of this is normal, none of this is right. You should be here. Death is so selfish baby girl. My heart is broken. I’m Literally hurting and torn, I know your in a better place, and yet no place is better than in my arms. I know your happy and pain free, and yet I want you here. It’s been two months since I last kissed your cheek or played with your hair. It’s been two months of pure torture, agony, and despair. All I want back is our daily life, whatever they entailed, I want it back. I want hospital visits back, and chemo back, I want your laughter, and your joyous heart back. The things that brought my heart so much pain, only a few months ago, I so desperately want back today.
Life’s not fair baby girl, you know that better than anyone. I do know that your life brought me so much joy, and looking back, I’m thankful that I made sure to tell you every single day just how much I loved you. I will forever be grateful to have been your mommy.
Baby girl I don’t want you watching over me thinking that your passing only causes me pain. You see baby girl, I would gladly take this pain over and over again, if it meant that I got to be your momma. Cause had I never known you, I would have never known pure happiness, I would have never known to live every moment as your last, and I would have never known what true bravery, strength, and courage looked like. This will change baby girl, I will make it change. I never want another mom to feel this way, and I will fight for these other kids so that no other mom has to buckle in ashes of their babies. Because you have always been worth #morethan4
Ellie was diagnosed with cancer at just 4 months old, and her young life was never “normal”—it was filled with surgeries and treatments. And yet her mom says she would do it all over again. This statement hit me SO hard as a mom—because the reality is, we will take any time with our children, no matter what: “I want hospital visits back, and chemo back, I want your laughter, and your joyous heart back. The things that brought my heart so much pain, only a few months ago, I so desperately want back today.”
Walton goes on to re-iterate the point: EVERY moment with our children is worth it. She says, “Baby girl I don’t want you watching over me thinking that your passing only causes me pain. You see baby girl, I would gladly take this pain over and over again, if it meant that I got to be your momma.”
Parents, as you interact with your kiddos today, remember even the HARD moments are a gift. Think of Ellie, think of Sarah, and remember: no matter what frustration or grief is mixed in with the light moments of parenting, it is ALWAYS worth it.
Thank you, Sarah Walton, for your message and transparency. I am praying for your broken mama heart today, and for your fight against pediatric cancer to spare other moms from bucking in the ashes of their babies.
