I’m the Mom Who Feels Like an Anxious Wreck Most Days

Back before I understood the traitor that was my own heart, I tried very hard to behave. The same heart, by the way, that would stab me in the back in a flash. The same heart that would happily lead me to total destruction and then dance a jig on my grave. 

I now fully agree that Christians are hypocrites.

And worse. Which is the whole point. And at times, the mixture of sin and holiness in me feels like such a tug of war, that I can only cry out for God to step in and rescue, yet again, from myself. Which He does every time. And I have hope that bit by bit, I will be changed.

It wasn’t until I settled it deep in my soul, that Jesus is the only good in me, that I was able to be honest about my failings without tremendous guilt and shame. There is no wizard behind the curtain trying to hide anything. There is God, and He sent His Son to die in my place, and He suffered more than I will ever suffer. He is no stranger to pain. He even entered into pain with us, so its tough to shake my fist at him when I think of what He endured for me.

Forget about pretending you have it all together. Moralism is a terrible idea. “Doing all of the right things” isn’t what makes you acceptable. God loves you on my best day as much as your worst day.

The fact that I am an anxious wreck many days, doesn’t mean God isn’t real.

It means I am human. It means change is slow, and while He is faithful to sanctify me, I will fail along the way. But since I am in Christ, the one thing I can rest in, is knowing that He is the brave One. He is the faithful One. And He accomplished what I never will. He exchanged my sin for His righteousness. And even though I am a pathetic Christian, and freak out, I am covered.

If you think I don’t walk my talk, you are right. But I can feel God anchoring me to him as I listen to the Gospel preached, fellowship, take communion, and read Scripture. I fall but I keep walking. And I can see His goodness.

I don’t need a Ted Talk.

I need something that can handle my messiness. What happens when I find myself in total chaos? I need to know my Creator is actively working in my life. The good and the bad. I make mistakes, but I know what grace is. And I learn, very humbly, to extend it to others. But the more time I spend reading His word, and let the truth of it work its way into my life, I see tiny victories. I see His goodness. I hold onto His promise that everything is in His hands, and I am safe.

I preach the truth to myself despite feeling no peace. Because I know I am on a difficult journey. I know I am being painfully shaped into His likeness, and it really hurts at times. Don’t be bummed out if I do stupid things. Don’t shake your head when I am scared spit-less. Don’t be shocked if you see my fangs.

Left to myself, I am a scoundrel.

In Christ, I am righteous and loved. 

Thank God for that.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.


This post originally appeared at Nitty Gritty Love, published with permission.

Michelle Lindsey
Michelle Lindsey
Michelle Lindsey is a Jesus-loving wife of more than 2 decades and a homeschooling mom of four who blogs about what happens when romance meets reality (with her adult daughter!) at Nitty Gritty Love. You can find more Nitty Gritty Love on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

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