The full, happy life my husband and I now share with our four boys often makes me feel like our journey with infertility was a lifetime ago. There was a time not so long ago that I was told I would probably never have kids. If someone had told me twelve years ago that I would have four beautiful little people calling me Mommy, I wouldn’t have believed them.
My husband and I married as teenagers, but we always knew we wanted a house-full of kids. Six years later I had finished college, we both had good jobs, and we purchased our first home. It was finally time to have a baby! I had never known anyone who struggled to get pregnant, and had no reason to think we wouldn’t be pregnant within a few months. Over a year later, I sat in the room with a doctor who coldly told me that I had “unexplained infertility” and might not ever have a baby. I’m pretty sure my heart shattered into a million pieces right there in that exam room.
As time passed, I became painfully aware of every pregnant woman I encountered. It seemed like everyone else was getting their happily ever afters, and ours would never come. It’s painful to admit it now, but I was jealous and judgmental of teenage mothers, friends who were having babies while unmarried, and people who I deemed “unfit” to be parents. I always painted on a smile, but the thoughts that filled my mind were not loving, kind, or faithful.
If you’ve never personally struggled with infertility, it might be hard to imagine what that journey can be like. For me it was the one of the lowest points in my life. Not knowing if I would ever be able to carry a baby was a struggle that took a toll on my mental health, my faith, my relationships, and my marriage.
Infertility is a life-changing journey.