‘Everyone Has a Baby but Me’ — The Painful Truth About Infertility

If your friend is struggling with infertility:

Show up. Like really show up. Be there when they are at their lowest point. Yeah, they might be grouchy and depressing to be around, but that’s when they need you the most. They need to know that no matter how tough things are, you aren’t going anywhere. Don’t accept “no” for an answer when you ask them to go see a funny movie or when you invite them over to binge watch your favorite sitcom. Invite them to the park with you and your kids. Don’t be afraid that seeing you parent will cause them pain. It may not be their time to be a parent yet, but being around little kids is just good for the soul.

Listen when they need to complain or cry. Don’t pass judgment. Don’t feel like you have to offer advice or tell them how it will “all work out just fine.” Being a good listener is the greatest gift you can give them. Just like anyone going through a difficult time, they simply need to know they are loved and supported.

If you are struggling with infertility:

Remember this is your story. Even though you likely feel out of control, it is up to you to decide how you will handle the trials laid before you.

Surround yourself with people who are supportive and understanding. It helped me immensely to have a couple of close friends who would let me vent during the process. Talking to your spouse is great, but sometimes it helps to talk it out with someone who isn’t in the middle of it with you. They never judged me, but they also didn’t try to make it all better. For us, finding the right doctor was huge. We met a man who understood our passion to become parents, and walked us through the medical side of the process with kindness and optimism.

I can’t stress enough the importance of focusing on the good in your life. It is so easy to be filled with despair and hopelessness and forget the blessing you do have. Be thankful for your partner. Don’t forget to be attentive to their needs and feelings as well as your own. Find things to do that bring you joy. Take up a new hobby, focus on getting in better shape, or plan some weekend trips. It is all too easy to drown in the fatigue and exhaustion of fertility treatments.

Giving yourself little things to look forward to can make all the difference.

Most importantly give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel. Give yourself a little grace. You will not handle every struggle perfectly. Don’t hold it all in. Find a healthy way to express your emotions. If you need to take a break from trying, do it. Don’t be afraid to stop and evaluate your journey to make sure you are still on the course that is right for you.

I wish I could promise that if you want a child bad enough it will happen. Unfortunately, all stories have their own unique endings. What I do know is that your journey with infertility will change you. It will shape you into a person you never knew you could be. You will find a strength inside of you that you never knew existed. For now, take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

Allison Smith
Allison Smith
I’m Allison, a wife, mommy, and educator just trying to be a little better today than I was yesterday. I’ve been married to Mike, my high school sweetheart, for seventeen years. We experienced deep loss and great joy as we built our family. We are so thankful to have four precious, energetic little boys with us, and our triplet angel sons watching over us. Josey, Gavin, Parker and our newly adopted son Jensen keep the house full of (loud!) noises and non-stop laughter. When I’m not in the classroom you’ll find me cheering for one of my boys at a sporting event, or enjoying some time just for me while I get in a workout.

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