As you know if you’ve been at it for more than 24 hours, parenting is NOT for the faint of heart. What they don’t tell you in the “What to Expect” books is that the first 6 or 7 months is actually the EASY part. Once you actually have to start DISCIPLINE, things can get really hairy. And also? You’ve better get used to the sound of your own voice repeating the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.
Fortunately for modern moms, we have the internet to encourage us and make us laugh when the going gets tough, and few moms on Facebook do that as well as Jen Hatmaker. A few months ago, the author took to her Facebook page in response to one of her kids who said, “You ALWAYS say that!” Hatmaker came up with a whole LIST of things she and other moms ALWAYS say, and it’s hilarious and spot on! I would add, “PULL UP YOUR PANTS!” to my list…what would you add? And which one is your favorite? Hatmaker’s whole list is below; you can see the original on her Facebook page.
“You always say that…” is a thing I heard from a spawn this morning. Ah, childhood.
OK, kid. Sure, I’ll play your game. In no particular order, these are actually the things that I always say. You want a peek inside the Hatmaker home? This is basically the repeating script in these four walls:
1. “Did you brush your teeth?” One might think this was unnecessary since almost all my kids are teenagers, but ONE WOULD BE WRONG. Kids are disgusting.
2. “You need to get off your phone.” If you cannot put your phone down while I am talking to you, I will crush the phone with my bare hands and get you a land line with a cord.
3. “Is this yours?” This is not nearly as innocent as it sounds. It is sarcastic. I am being a smart ass. I KNOW IT IS YOURS. Get your crap off my floor/counter/table/stairs.
4. “If I need your help parenting, I will ask.” 72 million. Is the number of times I say this a week. For a bunch of nonbreeders, my kids sure do know EVERYTHING about how to punish their siblings.
5. “If I need your help driving, I will ask.” The amount of instruction I received from the back seat from these non-driving critics is absurd. The inmates always want to run my asylum.
6. “Go to bed.” “Get up.” I am always wanting them to be asleep when they’re awake and awake when they’re asleep. Sorry, Baby Moms. This crap never ends. SLEEP RIGHT, JOKERS.
7. *Blank, dead-eyed stare* This technically involves no words, but it follows some child’s smart-alecky back talk. It says all it needs to say. BOY, YOU BETTER COME CORRECT OR DON’T COME AT ALL. Don’t even think I am here to play.
8. “Did you ______?” I am asking if they have done the thing I told them to do 27 times already. This is often combined with #7 to deadly effect. Their answer is always no because their complicated lives have yet again interfered with difficult tasks like picking up their shoes.
9. “Too many words.” I have five children and none of them are shy and all of them have too many opinions and some of their things are crushingly boring like descriptions of their dreams and Minecraft. I can’t. Tell Siri. Or tighten up this story.
10. “I love you!” I will say this anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone. Nobody puts baby in a corner. I love you when I drop you off at school. I love you when you leave with your friends. I love you when I’m on the phone with you in front of your people. I don’t even care. I birthed you or adopted you and I will say what I want.
And now you know 94% of all our conversations. Mystery solved. These are the things “I always say.” God bless the children and give them strength to endure.