Fear: Foster children come with baggage. Like, a serious amount of baggage. Some have been neglected or have been exposed to illegal drugs during pregnancy. Some simply have horrible psychological genetics. Some will have attachment issues, some will have that “addiction switch” pre-flipped and some will have learning disabilities. And you know what? They’re still pretty awesome people. Kids are resilient. Kids bounce. There are tons of wonderful and amazing services, therapies and supports if they do have any of these issues. But raising one myself with a handful of those issues I can attest that 90% of raising a child with any of these is still just that… raising a child. They still smile, and coo, and cuddle. They still run and jump and interact with friends and family. They still argue and talk back and throw food and fuss and yell and drive you crazy. That fear is blown way out of proportion in relation to the amount of wonderful, fun, frustrating, messy and silly things they do on a regular basis just. being. kids. And even the kids born to perfect parents with perfect genetics (where are these people?) have disabilities and psychological disorders too. I don’t know about you, but my own personal genes aren’t much to write home about. I have just as much chance of making a child with any of the above listed issues (well, probably not the exposure to illegal drug use). And side note:, man, is my kid beautiful. I’m always saying that I could never make a kid this cute.
I would never know the other side of these fears had I never been forced to break through them to face the challenge and fill the void in my heart. It’s sort of like doing your first tandem sky dive – they jump on 2 so you don’t have the chance to think about it and react. I would love to say I’m one of those wonderful people who just walked up to the agency and decided to do foster care simply to give back to society. Or that I chose to adopt an older child already in the system and immediately available for adoption, or a child with known disabilities – for those are the truly selfless fostering heroes. Nope we did it for purely selfish reasons. People would stop me and say, “Thank you for being a foster parent” or “He’s so lucky to have you. You’ve saved his life” Let me tell you, there was nothing noble about this. I needed a baby. If we hadn’t said yes when we got “the call” some other wonderful foster family from our agency would have and he still would have been just fine. Point being: One does not need to be selfless to be a foster parent.
I was recently inspired by this thought while watching a very close friend of mine act as a surrogate through an agency for complete strangers. She got to know the couple through the process and became friends with them. They did the IVF and she got pregnant carrying twins but she miscarried and it was horribly sad and frustrating for both her family and the hopeful couple. When she told me how excited she was to try again for them I was so proud to know her and be close to her. It’s so easy to say, “That sucked. I’m not doing that again. EH, I tried though.” But she wasn’t worried about the fear. She was only worried about helping that couple start a family. Because, like with fostering, it’s not about the fear. It’s about doing what makes your heart full in the end, regardless of the chance of heartache – and regardless of the reasons that got you there.
Humans are far stronger than we give ourselves credit for. It takes a lot to really truly knock us down. It’s a lot worse inside our heads. What with all those fears multiplying like bunnies running rampant up there bouncing off the padded walls of our skulls. If we spend too much time protecting ourselves, or our loved ones, from pain or heartache (feeding all those bunnies) we’ll miss out on the amazing opportunities life has out ahead of us. I’m so glad I didn’t let fear keep me from foster care.
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This article originally appeared at Lavender Lemonade.
