I’m tired of having to exercise top-notch bladder control, ‘cuz we all know that once the Spanx are in place we do NOT want to have to navigate a bathroom situation. Yes, some are made with split crotches to make restroom visits “easier,” but I know we can all agree that those openings are utterly useless. USELESS, I TELL YOU! No matter what happens, do not trust the Spanx pee hole. Or, more accurately, do not trust the female anatomy. This is a disaster waiting to happen, and if you attempt to make use of said crotch split, a disaster WILL assuredly happen (I *might* be speaking from experience here).
If you do decide to wear Spanx, I must say this: once the they are in place (you’ll know when they’re just right because you won’t be able to bend or breathe or feel any happiness), do take a moment to stare at yourself in the mirror. Take in your incredible (completely fake) figure. Your abs (again, a mirage) will be so tight you could bounce a dime off of them. Just be sure not to walk too much or the Spanx will ride up your thighs and cut off your circulation and leave you with a VSL (for you old school peeps, that stands for visible Spanx line, and ain’t nobody wanna see that).
You know Spanx are the worst because the feeling you get when you finally peel them off is the best! It’s like opening a can of Pillsbury biscuits. After you peel back the paper, you tap the can on the edge of the counter gently until…POP! Freedom. If it feels so good to get out of them, why are we subjecting ourselves to these torture chambers in the first place?
Basically, if you want to spend your time in a spandex prison, unable to pee, bend, walk, breathe, or enjoy life, by all means wear your Spanx. As for me, I’m officially d-o-n-e. I’d rather sport my pooch and back fat and love handles, all the while loving my life and not dying a slow death from the misery of it all. People can love how I look or hate it. They can stare at my lumpy self and silently wish they could educate me on the benefits of Spanx. People can think what they will, it’s truly okay with me.
Meanwhile, I’ll be the one who is smiling a real smile and loving life in all of my lumpy glory, simply saying, “Thanks, but no Spanx.”
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