One of the most terrifying moments of a not-yet-married man’s life is when your daughter’s boyfriend is going to meet you, her father.
The much-anticipated introduction is an unending fountain of humor for friends and family, but it’s more often an occasion for horror for the young man. What will dad say? What will he ask? Will he be armed? The moment is a mountain to overcome in almost any relationship, but I believe it’s a mountain we, as Christians, can capture for the good of the daughter, the suitor, and the father.
May I Marry Your Daughter?
What if dad isn’t all that involved in her life? What if her parents aren’t believers? How about if she moved and met her man far away from home? What if she’s still single at 25, 30, maybe even 40? These kinds of complexities can make honoring parents, setting expectations, and finding husbands feel hopeless.
As a trend, dads seem to be less and less involved in their daughter’s dating. It actually makes for a dangerous situation because God means for spiritual headship and leadership to be a more seamless handoff, not this disjointed affair that leaves the young woman spiritually and emotionally uncovered from age fifteen until her wedding day. We’ve relegated dads to a last-minute interview before engagement when God meant for them to be active, available agents of wisdom and safekeeping. And I don’t mean policemen. Foolish dads relish the gun-bearing, tough-guy role. The wise dads relish the opportunity to develop a real, intentional, grace-and-truth relationship with their daughter’s boyfriend, the man who might be tasked with caring for their daughter for the rest of her life.
Where’s My Dad?
In the first pages of Scripture, we find that great love story of Isaac and Rebekah. Completely apart from Isaac, Abraham sends another guy off to find his son a wife. Some code words and a camel ride later, Isaac and Rebekah are tented and covenanted in love. Anyone who’s tried and failed to get married reads that simplicity with at least a little bit of longing.
So, is that how we should get married today? Wait for the day dad sends her to Minneapolis on a camel? My dad doesn’t even have a camel. While we can certainly learn about love and marriage from Isaac and Rebekah, I don’t think God intended it to be a manual for getting married in twenty-first-century America. I do think, though, that we may be facing greater evils in our Christian homes today than handpicking fathers.
The options could be described like this: In one case, a daughter’s father picksher husband (an arranged marriage). In a second scenario, dad approves a husband, affirming her wisdom and choice. Another step down, dad concedes, disagreeing with her choice but passively supporting her decision to marry anyway. Finally, and tragically (and most often in our day), dad disappears. The daughter marries a man without dad. For whatever reason — distance, disagreement, divorce, disinterest — dad is out of the picture, and the wedding happens anyway. He might attend, but he had nothing to do with the union.
But what if there was another approach? If dad has typically picked, approved, conceded, or disappeared — what if instead dad discipled? What if a daughter’s father took some responsibility not just in vetting his daughter’s boyfriend, but in investing in him and preparing him to make much of Jesus in dating and marriage?
Six Tips for Discipleship in Dating
If discipleship — or “dating” your daughter’s boyfriend — sounds like it might be a more effective method than what you’ve tried (or intended to try), here are six pieces of counsel for engaging young men interested in your little girl.
1. If you wait for the talk, you’re too late.
Nothing will help you discern if your daughter’s boyfriend can love your daughter more clearly than a relationship. And nothing will be better for him long term, whether or not he marries her. Pithy parables or intimidating mandates or climactic conversation (really) can be helpful, but so much more can be accomplished over time together.
Let your first couple conversations be mainly about him, and not her. Demonstrate that you really want to get to know him, not just scare him away. Learn his story. Ask about his hobbies. Study his relationships with his friends and family. Don’t be too proud to take some notes while you do. It probably should be said here that you might consider giving the daughter you raised the benefit of the doubt that maybe she picked well, at least before coming to any quick conclusions. At the same time, remember that even with the “good guy” a resume can’t replace some regular contact. She’s worth it — her faith, safety, and well-being — to spend some time seeing him for yourself.
2. There are sharks, but there are a lot more stupid, but well-meaning fish.
If you talk to some Christian dads of daughters, you’d think every young man was a drug lord, pimp, or terrorist. This happens for two reasons. Dad might have the perception that every man is a walking caricature of the most discouraging trends today: laziness, selfishness, sexual immorality, entitlement, and worse. Or dad might have an unbalanced or unfair standard: the guy who graduated top of his class at the age of eleven, started his own business, built the brand-new building for his church, and single-handedly rescued a third-world country from a corrupt regime (or something like that). Dad might unfairly be expecting a lifetime of wisdom, maturity, independence, or faith from a twentysomething.
Either way, fathers need to hear that there are lots of young men who have believed the gospel, have been rescued from much of the worldliness around them, are demonstrating trajectories of the fruit of the Spirit, but are still immature. This kind of immaturity might be a reason to press pause on a relationship, or at least slow things down, but it should not be an excuse for dads to withdraw altogether. What if these dads leaned into these young men at this point? What if they came alongside to offer loving wisdom, accountability, and counsel?
Without a doubt, there are sharks — some in very good disguise — who are serious threats to your daughters. We, as the church, need to be vigilant — and train our girls to be vigilant — to identify and guard them from such men. At the same time, there are a lot of good men who simply need to learn and grow. It might be dangerous for your daughter to try and take this on within the context of a romantic relationship, even if she’s spiritually mature. But it would not be dangerous for you to spend at least a little time investing in him, naming areas of need in his life and development, and then providing some appropriate support to him in his growth (even if his immaturities mean he can’t date your daughter right now).
3. Make a man through modeling to your daughter’s boyfriend.
More and more often, boys have never seen a man lead and love his family like Christ has led and loved his bride. A lot of them have never even had a chance. And you could be that chance for them, whether or not they ever see your daughter down the aisle. By doing so, you’ll serve and protect your daughter in all kinds of new ways — and not just your daughter, but any other young woman he would date or marry.
4. Don’t hide your failures from your daughter’s boyfriend.
If your daughter’s boyfriend is going to address his or her mistakes or shortcomings in their relationship with the gospel, he needs to see what that process looks like. Otherwise, it will look like the marriage might collapse if one of them disappoints the other. Your failures (and confession and repentance) as a husband and father will help prepare your daughter’s boyfriend to be a better, more humble, more Christlike husband and father.
5. Daughters, if this sounds scary, you might need to break up with the boy.
6. Dads don’t have to be dads.
But our God is not only a God for the fathered. More than anyone has in history, he loves the orphan, those abandoned biologically, as well as those who’ve been left spiritually. And he has wonderfully provided men to father when fathers can’t or won’t.
They might be a grandparent, pastor, uncle, family friend, neighbor, or just a godly man in your church. In your average, Bible-loving evangelical church, there are very likely faithful, Jesus-following, older men who can help you walk through this relationship. They can love you and your boyfriend well, and lead the two of you toward safety in your intimacy and clarity about the future. Perhaps point them to an article like this to help them help you.
Men, consider this a call to arms. Too many of our young women are giving themselves away to unworthy men because there’s no worthy man in their life to tell them differently. Their craving to finally be loved might cause them to make unhealthy compromises, but it’s far less likely if someone loves them enough to know what’s going on and keep them from destroying themselves.
Fathers, there really is another, more effective, more loving, more fruitful way for you to care for your daughters in their pursuit of marriage. Be willing to take the initiative with your daughter’s boyfriend early on, and then be willing to follow through with some practical, gracious, firm, consistent disciplemaking. Our young women need this kind of love from you, and our young men need the kinds of examples and mentors that will help make them mature pictures of Jesus in their marriages and families.