One of the most terrifying moments of a not-yet-married man’s life is when your daughter’s boyfriend is going to meet you, her father.
The much-anticipated introduction is an unending fountain of humor for friends and family, but it’s more often an occasion for horror for the young man. What will dad say? What will he ask? Will he be armed? The moment is a mountain to overcome in almost any relationship, but I believe it’s a mountain we, as Christians, can capture for the good of the daughter, the suitor, and the father.
May I Marry Your Daughter?
What if dad isn’t all that involved in her life? What if her parents aren’t believers? How about if she moved and met her man far away from home? What if she’s still single at 25, 30, maybe even 40? These kinds of complexities can make honoring parents, setting expectations, and finding husbands feel hopeless.
As a trend, dads seem to be less and less involved in their daughter’s dating. It actually makes for a dangerous situation because God means for spiritual headship and leadership to be a more seamless handoff, not this disjointed affair that leaves the young woman spiritually and emotionally uncovered from age fifteen until her wedding day. We’ve relegated dads to a last-minute interview before engagement when God meant for them to be active, available agents of wisdom and safekeeping. And I don’t mean policemen. Foolish dads relish the gun-bearing, tough-guy role. The wise dads relish the opportunity to develop a real, intentional, grace-and-truth relationship with their daughter’s boyfriend, the man who might be tasked with caring for their daughter for the rest of her life.
Where’s My Dad?
In the first pages of Scripture, we find that great love story of Isaac and Rebekah. Completely apart from Isaac, Abraham sends another guy off to find his son a wife. Some code words and a camel ride later, Isaac and Rebekah are tented and covenanted in love. Anyone who’s tried and failed to get married reads that simplicity with at least a little bit of longing.
So, is that how we should get married today? Wait for the day dad sends her to Minneapolis on a camel? My dad doesn’t even have a camel. While we can certainly learn about love and marriage from Isaac and Rebekah, I don’t think God intended it to be a manual for getting married in twenty-first-century America. I do think, though, that we may be facing greater evils in our Christian homes today than handpicking fathers.
The options could be described like this: In one case, a daughter’s father picksher husband (an arranged marriage). In a second scenario, dad approves a husband, affirming her wisdom and choice. Another step down, dad concedes, disagreeing with her choice but passively supporting her decision to marry anyway. Finally, and tragically (and most often in our day), dad disappears. The daughter marries a man without dad. For whatever reason — distance, disagreement, divorce, disinterest — dad is out of the picture, and the wedding happens anyway. He might attend, but he had nothing to do with the union.
But what if there was another approach? If dad has typically picked, approved, conceded, or disappeared — what if instead dad discipled? What if a daughter’s father took some responsibility not just in vetting his daughter’s boyfriend, but in investing in him and preparing him to make much of Jesus in dating and marriage?
Six Tips for Discipleship in Dating
If discipleship — or “dating” your daughter’s boyfriend — sounds like it might be a more effective method than what you’ve tried (or intended to try), here are six pieces of counsel for engaging young men interested in your little girl.
1. If you wait for the talk, you’re too late.
Nothing will help you discern if your daughter’s boyfriend can love your daughter more clearly than a relationship. And nothing will be better for him long term, whether or not he marries her. Pithy parables or intimidating mandates or climactic conversation (really) can be helpful, but so much more can be accomplished over time together.
