To the Mama Who Is Doing Elf on the Shelf Even Though She Doesn’t Want To

Here are a few ideas that help the elf help you.

First of all, don’t break out the elf while the Thanksgiving gravy boat is still on the dining table. Snowbelle only sticks around our house for twelve days because a song about doves, golden rings, pregnant geese and the Patridge family states that there are twelve days of Christmas. However, if you have really horrible offspring and you are unable to grow a pair and keep them in line, you’d probably like to con them into doing things for longer than 12 days. If this is the case, please launch your elf into super nanny mode in July and learn to stand your ground in the meantime.

  • Main Shelf: This is a mantle or shelf located in the “hub” of the home. When the elf utilizes this location, it helps protect the breakable ornaments on the Christmas tree and keeps Caillou’s whining from being turned up to deafening decibels. Always go back to this shelf when in doubt.
  • Pantry Shelf: Place the elf on top of your favorite snack. If the kids can’t touch the elf, they can’t touch the bag of Milano cookies which serves as the elf’s couch.
  • Kid’s Bedroom Shelf: Place the elf where it will be the first thing your child sees upon waking. This emphasizes the whole “sees you when you’re sleeping” thing and also helps motivate your child to do as you’ve repeatedly asked and pick up Legos and other foot-harming pieces of minuscule plastic from their bedroom floor. If you have multiple children, congratulations! This can be used multiple nights.
  • Bathroom Shelf: This will ensure that your kids wash their hands and brush their teeth at least once this holiday season. If you have terribly nasty children with horrible bathroom habits, feel free to use this one as often as you’d like.
  • Kitchen Shelf: I plan ahead for dinners when broccoli will be served, and I place the elf on the kitchen counter. My kids eat vegetables like they are mini corn dogs when Snowbelle is watching.
  • Car Shelf: This is also known as a dashboard. Obviously this should be used when long car rides are scheduled.
  • Repeat: See? It’s simple really. Does your child like to set things on fire? Put little Twinkleberry on a shelf next to the box of matches. Got a kid with a headboard smothered in boogers? Put the elf on the child’s bedroom shelf next to a box of Kleenex.

I long for the days when Santa’s helpers were mystical, magical, mysterious and unseen little people and not some overpriced brand. But, the times they are a-changing. If I must participate in this new “tradition,” I choose to let the elf serve its purpose — to set on a shelf and encourage my children to be “nice.”

Parents need all the help they can get. Let your elf help you.

Unless you just thoroughly enjoy going out of your way to play with dolls and wrap toilet seats in tinsel.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

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Susannah B. Lewis
Susannah B. Lewis
Susannah B. Lewis is a humorist, blogger for Whoa! Susannah, and freelance writer whose work has appeared in numerous publications. The author of Can’t Make This Stuff Up!, Lewis studied creative writing at Jackson State Community College and earned her bachelor's degree in business management from Bethel College. She lives in Medina, Tennessee, with her husband, Jason, their three children, and three dogs. Her latest book, How May I Offend You Today?: Rants and Revelations from a Not-So-Proper Southern Lady, releases nationwide October 20 , 2020.

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