I Left The Hospital With a Box Instead of My Baby

Not a baby. Not our child. But with a box.

No one smiles at you when you leave the hospital carrying a box. No one really looks at you. Or maybe they do, but you can’t be sure. It’s hard to look at anyone when your arms feel so empty and life feels so uncertain.

I didn’t want that box.

I wanted my baby. I wanted to leave the hospital with my baby. I wanted to place her carefully in the car. I wanted to carry her through the doorway of our home. I wanted to set her down in our crib. I wanted to begin our new life together.

But I came home with a box.

A box that I hated and loved all at once. I hate what it stands for and I love that it belongs to her. I hate that it exists and I love that it reminds me I’m not alone. It’s a box I never wanted and one that I will carry with me forever.

So to the people who say they can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child, I say this: Think about what it was like to bring home your baby and imagine what it would feel like to bring home a box instead.


This post originally appeared at An Unexpected Family Outing, published with permission.

Rachel Whalen
Rachel Whalen
Rachel Whalen is a writer and Kindergarten teacher who lives in Vermont. She is the mother of two daughters; 2-year-old Frances and Dorothy who was stillborn in 2016. Since Dorothy's death, Rachel has used her writing to advocate for others who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Her writing has been widely shared by Still Standing magazine, Pregnancy After Loss Support, the Today Show, and Her View From Home. In sharing her story, Rachel hopes that she can let others know they are not alone in their heartbreak and their love for their child. Connect with Rachel on Facebook, and see more of her writing on her blog.

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