I said something like: “It is honourable that you wanted to protect your little brother from being upset. I admire how faithful you are in defending him. Can we chat about how you can still accomplish that without hurting your other brother?”
For me, this was a tremendous win. I was able to see the parts of the fight that had honourable roots, in a way I never would have before. I do believe I actually spoke blue!
boys need respect in distinct areas
When we start to unpack how critical respect is to boys, we see so many aspects of their lives are impacted. Eggerichs goes into a lot of detail on how to communicate respect to our growing men in these six areas. We can say, “I respect your desire….
- to work and achieve
- to provide, protect and even die
- to be strong and to lead and make decisions
- to analyze, solve and counsel
- for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
- for sexual understanding and ‘knowing.’
Isn’t this humbling to be a Mom to boys who are wired for all of these achievements? And while these are all things I admire in my husband, I am increasingly aware of the awesome privilege of now raising someone else’s husband. I get to be part of their dress rehearsal in life. Thankfully, Eggerichs discusses specific ways to support boys in each of these areas.
boys personalize disrespect
This one section in the book was worth its weight in gold.
If a Mom has conflict with a daughter, she tends to understand that they need to talk things through until they reach an apology and a resolution. As Eggerichs says, “Women feel comfortable in the ocean of emotion.” (p. 23) Yet a Mom can approach her son to talk about a conflict and he immediately goes into self-preservation mode, “steeling himself against the provocation.” (p. 23)
Did you catch that? Even a casual comment like, “Hey buddy, we need to talk later” triggers a son to feel attacked and start building up his defenses.
BUT good news! Simple changes in our wording can help prevent a son’s pulling away when there is a conflict. For example, we can say, “I am not trying to disrespect you. My goal is to honour you, not dishonour you….My goal is not to put you down. That would be disrespectful….I am only trying to address the issue, not attack you as a person.” (p. 24)
Eggerichs says we will see a visible relaxing of our sons if we can disarm him with this kind of approach.
I decided to put it to the test. One of my boys was getting a bit lippy and I could see from his body language, he was gearing up for an argument. In a calm voice I said, “Look. I am speaking to you respectfully and I need you to do the same for me.” I wish I had a video to prove how well this worked. These words broke through his anger instantly. His shoulders relaxed and his whole demeanour changed as he calmly said, “Alright.”
This was the moment I decided I could sell this book door-to-door.
moms’ efforts will bring results
Timely respect-filled statements will “ring in a boy’s ears for a long time. He remembers these comments. He feels energized and motivated by them.” (p. 103)
If we can learn to get this aspect of communication right, we will see results. Eggerichs explains that “Respect-Talk” ignites affection and endearment in a boy.” (p. 5) Did you hear that good news? Could we ask for anything better?
By speaking a boy’s language of respect, we will have the added blessing of being loved in a way that is meaningful to us as Moms. P.S. This works for husbands too.
But if you have a ‘win’, don’t smother your son with kisses and blow up pink balloons. Slow down there, excited Mama. Take a deep breath and act chill. Let’s be sure that our enthusiasm isn’t too mushy for our respect-wired boys especially as they get older.
Finally, special thanks to Eggerichs for his thoughtful 20 page Appendix called “A Quick Start for Those Pressed for Time.” Can you tell he was thinking of Moms when he added that in?
But I may suggest that he move that closer to the front so Moms like me who don’t actually read the table of contents, will find it BEFORE reading the longer version.
That being said, I highly recommend the long or short version of this book for any Mom raising sons.
***
This article originally appeared at Lightly Frayed.
