After 14 years of marriage here they were arguing again. No matter what the two fought about, Darin knew the root of his anger toward Debra was found in his feelings of betrayal.
“Seriously? Are we really having this argument again?” Darin shouted at Debra.
You might be asking, “Betrayal–How did Debra betray Darin? Did she have an affair?”
No, Debra had not cheated on Darin, nor had she been searching for old boyfriends on the internet. The betrayal Darin resented was over the way Debra had changed over the years of their marriage.
When Darin and Debra were dating, he was smitten by her happy-go-lucky manner. It seemed that any attempt made by Darin to be humorous was met by Debra’s boisterous laughter––her laugh had been what made Darin take notice of Debra.
These days, laughter seemed a distant memory. Debra had become so focused on her duty as a wife and mother, Darin felt that she sucked the fun right out of their lives!
Does this sound familiar?
In more than three decades of ministry, my husband Steve and I have mentored countless married couples. And that time, we have had the privilege of walking numerous engaged couples through pre-marital counseling sessions.
In one of their six-week-premarital-counseling sessions, Steve explains to the couple they should expect betrayal from their spouse at some point in their marriage.
After helping them realize betrayal in marriage can come in many forms––including, but not limited to infidelity, the couples are asked to make a list of what would make them feel betrayed by their spouse.
Interestingly, the lists by both husband and wife are often quite similar in that the basis of each list is founded in particular myths couples believe about marriage.
The myths your husband believes about marriage are rooted deeply in his subconscious. Influenced by the marriage of his own parents––or the lack thereof––your husband has gathered together ideas of what marriage should be like. You would do well to learn to discern his expectations so you can better minister to your man.
That being said, here are a four myths your husband likely believes about marriage.
1. It’s my wife’s job to make me happy.
Every happily-ever-after princess fairytale teaches that it is the job of the prince to make his princess happy––and implies the princess will be the source of the prince’s happiness as well.
God created each of us to long for our happiness, self-worth, and sense of well-being to be found in relationship. The problem is God never intended for us to fill that void in a relationship with any other human, rather He created that ache in our hearts to cause us to long for a relationship with our Creator.
Realize that your husband may not understand that his greatest need will only be satisfied in an intimate relationship with his Creator, and pray that God will help him come to find true happiness in a relationship with Christ.
1 Peter 3:1 reminds wives we can do more to influence our husbands, not with words, but by a godly example. So, when you learn to find the source of your own happiness in Christ, your husband may be drawn to do so as well.
2. I wish my wife was more like the woman I married.
If your husband is longing for the days when you were dating, rather than be offended by his desire, realize that he wants to enjoy you like he did when you were dating.
It is easy to become so overwhelmed by all the tasks to accomplish in a day that joyfully interacting with your spouse may be a low priority. Try to remember and recreate some of the ways in courtship that the two of you enjoyed time together.
From my book, If My Husband Would Change I’d Be Happy, ponder this statement:
When you learn to become a person your husband enjoys spending time with, you may discover him looking for more opportunities to refresh himself with your company.