What’s even more paradoxical is that you probably were drawn to your spouse because of some very positive perfectionist traits, like the fact that your mate is …
- Committed
- Observant
- Hard-working
- Loyal
- Conscientious
- An achiever
- Detail-oriented
- A good leader/manager
So how do you deal with your spouse’s incessant need for perfection? Or if you are the one driving your spouse crazy with all of your rules and “oughts,” how do you change your overachieving ways? I have to say that even though I’m a perfectionist, I still haven’t “perfectly” figured out how to do this yet. But there’s one thing I do know—learning to accept the imperfect in both my spouse, as well as in myself points me in the right direction.
How to Deal With a Perfectionist Spouse
- Grasp for God’s ever-available grace.
For example, whenever I’m dealing with my spouse’s crazy-making criticalness, I look to God to help me extend grace to my husband. I also try to see and accept that my spouse is flawed and human, and won’t always see how his high standards are coming across to me. This also means forgiving him, even if he doesn’t see or admit his fault. And perhaps most importantly, I need to learn to be kind and loving—seeking to focus on the good in him, rather than becoming bitter because of the bad I’m momentarily experiencing in our relationship. - Turn to God again for perspective. Now, when I’m the one doling out the A+ attitude, I need to turn to God again for perspective. I need to take on a sober view of my expectations, because what feels like a “need” is more than likely a “want” instead. Surrendering my sense of entitlement to God is a good beginning point. Recognizing just how flawed and human I am is yet another important step in the right direction. When I go further to apologize for being demanding or critical, I do even better. And as a perfectionist, I love doing better!
- Find the right balance. Finally, Paul’s words in Romans 12:3, offers all of us a template for finding the right balance and approach when perfectionism rears up in marriage…
“For by the grace given me I say to everyone one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”
When we humbly place our imperfect hearts in the hands of the Lord, we can love our mates with Jesus’ perfect and powerful love that far outshines any perfectionistic effort we might ever hope to achieve in marriage.
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This article originally appeared at Homeword.com. Find Beth Steffaniak writing at MessyMarriage.com.
