Choosing to trust in God
I cried a little longer and lingered in His presence. Eventually I picked myself up off the floor and chose joy, I chose to trust Him regardless of all of the questions flying through my mind. Throughout the day I realized the gravity of what He had shared with me, “I am with you.” In His presence is everything I need. In His presence is the fullness of joy. There’s nothing I need apart from Him being near. Him being near is everything to me.
Three years ago, this would have devastated me. Not only because we have an empty nursery, but mostly because our circumstances are the exact opposite of what God has said. About the baby for sure, but I would have been more devastated that what God told me hadn’t happened.
Intimacy with God has made a difference
But I’ve been in the secret place, tucked away when no one has known or seen for quite some time now. I’ve built history with Papa. I’ve developed intimacy with Him. Someone hasn’t told me about God being good, they haven’t even taught me about His goodness. But I’ve actually seen what His heart looks like on the inside, and I know for myself that He is only good. And that there is no good apart from Him.
I know He is a God that doesn’t lie (Titus 1:2). I know that not a word that comes from His mouth falls to the ground (Isaiah 55:11). I know that He will fulfill every promise He has spoken over my life and our family (Luke 1:45). And I know with every fiber of my being that He is not done writing this story (Philippians 1:6).
So I guess you could call this a failed adoption, but I know that this story isn’t over. Kris Vallotton says, “If it’s not good, it isn’t the end.”
I know my Father’s voice, and I know what He’s said about this.
During worship on Sunday, I closed my eyes and immediately saw Jesus and me standing in front of a grave. Jesus was holding my hand looking at the grave, staring in the face impossibility. My face was turned looking at His.
Just like He took Mary to stand outside of the grave of Lazarus before He raised him from the dead, here we stand together too, hand in hand. So very near.