This wasn’t it a joking, passing thought. It didn’t go away when I saw her in her many cute and adorable moments. It didn’t completely go away even as I saw her learning and growing and becoming more attached to us as her family. I was truly grappling with the change that was now in my life, and I realized how my old life meant nothing in relation to this new one. I missed my freedom, and I missed the quiet. I missed not having to constantly care for another, who, for the first six months or so, did not seem to care much whether I was there or not. We didn’t connect immediately, as it appeared she and her daddy were. I am grateful to say that now she and I are much closer, but it took time. I’ve learned that this is often a reality (for many parents) and that it is okay.
I have always believed, in regard to my marriage, that love is not simply a feeling or emotion, but a determined choice, even when I don’t “feel” like loving. As the months went on, I finally realized, by God’s grace, that this also applied to my child. I had to choose to love her, no matter how I felt in the moment. It was hard, and I wish I could say I surrendered my old life with its perceived advantages quickly and quietly. In fact, I still have to fight my selfish yearning for my old, childless life much more often than I wish. But you know the amazing thing about acting as if you love someone, beating down your feelings and doing what you know needs to be done? I did begin to feel those loving, parental emotions towards her. Our attachment and bond have grown, and now, three years later, I would do anything to protect her. I want the best for her, and I can’t comprehend my life without her.
However, this isn’t to say that now all my days are beautiful and sparkling. I still struggle with my selfishness and exhaustion, but this is a fight that is worth winning. I don’t have kids to make me happy, in the fleeting, emotional sense of the word. Being a mom can feel amazing and mundane multiple times in the same day, and that is okay and normal. I’ve just had to learn not to dwell on the hard, to not let it consume me because my happiness isn’t in view and it’s not the finish line. God’s glory and the welfare of my children are the end goal, and this is the perspective I try to keep in view as I walk this complicated road of motherhood.
