The truth is that I’m worried about you. At some point after the babies showed up the person I used to know started to slip away. Maybe we were just naïve about who we would become but I really didn’t think that you’d be so different. Is this really what motherhood does to us?
You used to be so bubbly and fun, the kind of person who could command a room. But now, sometimes you don’t even show up. I realize you’re busy with your family and trying to get everything done but there’s something else that’s changed. It’s deeper than just being busy and unavailable. There’s a restlessness just below the surface and it’s uncomfortable, like an itchy sweater making you squirm.
Before the kids you felt great. What’s not to love when you’re young and independent? But now, you feel guilty admitting that sometimes motherhood doesn’t seem to fit. It’s not that you don’t love your kids, it’s just that it feels like you’re supposed to do something else too. People tell you to use your gifts and do big things but in the next breath they make you feel like motherhood is your highest calling. How is that even possible? No wonder you’re confused.
I’ve watched you struggle to answer these questions and I know that you doubt yourself. You compare yourself to everyone else and in your eyes they’re doing these huge things that you could never do. What you’re doing seems small and insignificant. They’re out saving the world and you’re stuck at home yelling at your kids, feeling like a failure. Nothing seems like enough. You can’t do enough or be enough to make a difference. You’re just a mom. You’ve convinced yourself that this is as good as it gets and you’re going to be stuck with the title “Not Quite Good Enough Wife/Mother/Daughter/Sister…” for the rest of your life. It’s like getting a C in motherhood, passed the test but not getting sprinkles.
The truth is that you’re wrong. Just like when I think the exact same thoughts I’m wrong too. No matter how many ways I try to tell myself differently, I keep replaying my failures and inadequacies. Sometimes, we need to hear the truth from someone else, someone who loves us enough to tell us what we can’t see on our own.
I see you but I don’t believe the story you tell yourself.
