I have almost died five times.
This is what it feels like.
It is very easy, for starters. All you’d have to do is…nothing. Just sleep more, let the energy and life flow away. It’s silent, it’s simple. It really is like falling asleep. It’s so easy.
It’s much harder to be alive because, in life, you have to fight for it.
I have almost died five times.
I almost lost my right arm.
I’ve lost most of my hearing.
I have almost no vein access, anywhere but via the port-a-cath, that’s surgically implanted in my chest.
I’ve learned to give myself insulin injections.
My parents and siblings know how to re-constitute IV meds.
I’ve had an IV line bleed out the night before my Algebra II final.
I’ve had skin cancer, epilepsy, cystic fibrosis, thalassemia minor, and a double lung transplant. I’ve had tuberculosis and an infection that only one other person in the world had had.
I’ve been to the ER so many times that it’s like Cheers.
I’ve had pancreatitis eight times. If you haven’t had it, be glad you haven’t had it.
I’ve had four chest tubes.
I’ve taken pills every day of my life since I was two years old.
I could probably give myself chest X-rays by now.
I’m surprised I don’t glow in the dark, due to all the radiation exposure I’ve had.
I’ve been twenty years old and planned my own funeral.
I’ve spent most holidays in the hospital except Christmas and my birthday.
I use the word “contraindicated” like most people use the word “like”.
Every month, my mom pokes me with a needle and I don’t hit her for it. 🙂
I have coughed up blood.
I have had 17% lung function.
I have been in a medically-induced coma for two weeks.
I’ve had people tell me that my CF treatments, which kept me alive, annoyed them. I’ve had people say injecting insulin is gross–to my face. I’ve had people ask rude questions, time and time again. I had a classmate tell me that there wasn’t any point in me studying, because I was going to die.
But you know what?
I am still alive.
And I love my life, even with all its imperfection, even when it would’ve been easier to just let go and sail off into the West like Frodo.
But this life is exquisite, no matter what.
This world isn’t my home. I know that. But it’s so beautiful.
Because you know what’s beautiful?
That I’m freaking typing this.
That I am breathing.
