Ahh, youth group. That sweet collection of terrible awkwardness and overpowering body odor. If you’ve spent any length of time in church, you’ve probably attended or sent your kids to youth group. If so, you know that it’s a perfect microcosm of both the church and society.
Here are the 14 kids you find in EVERY youth group (I was a terrible combination of #1, #2, #3, and #4).
1. The Pastor’s Kid – The pastor’s kid is usually either a hyper-pharisaical annoying moralist who knows all the answers (me) or a rebel without a cause who listens to death metal, smokes weed, and leads the smoke breaks at youth group. In rare “flip-flop” cases (technical term), he/she can be both during a 4-year youth group career. The even rarer “Two-Faced Pastor’s Kid” can pull off both simultaneously, although this requires a near sociopathic personality.
2. The Guitar Guy – Guitar guy does everything, including volleyball and using the restroom, with a cheap acoustic guitar around his neck. Because he has only been playing the guitar for 6 months, he almost always plays Green Day songs, which have somewhere between 1-2 chords per song. Depending on his personality, he will almost always evolve into “Beautiful Voice Heartthrob Guy” or “Greasy Haired Speed Metal Guy”.
3. The Answer Girl – Answer girl knows it all and ensures that everyone knows that she knows it all. She has the unique ability to raise her hand before a question is even asked. She is always picked first for Bible Trivia and last for just about anything else.
4. The Homeschool Kid – The homeschool kid has the social skills of a highly trained manatee, but he/she manages to overcome this deficiency with stunning amounts of enthusiasm. No, they cannot sustain a conversation or eye contact for more than 4 seconds, but they go absolutely bonkers during youth group games. Their enthusiasm is primarily due to their ecstasy over getting to interact with other humans.
5. The Early Puberty Guy – By age 10, Early Puberty Guy had a full beard, rippling muscles, and sung bass in the choir. He usually has the hygiene skills of a howler monkey, leading him to douse his body in copious amounts of Axe Body Spray. At least once per youth group, you can count on him hitting a 40-pound girl in the face with a dodge ball thrown at 140 mph. Kids either hate Early Puberty Guy or are in awe of him.
6. The Harmony Diva Girl – Harmony Diva Girl never misses an opportunity to sing harmony during worship, and likes to hold the final note of a song at least 3 minutes after the song has ended. Her parent is always a singer, and it’s not uncommon for them to deliver the special music at church functions. Harmony Diva Girl and Guitar Guy often team up to deliver an incredibly vocally rich acoustic cover of “Time Of Your Life”.
