Dear Joshua and Jonah,
This week over and over again on social media, women are posting “me too” as their status update. Two powerful words.
And I want to tell you why.
Jonah, you’re too young for the ins and outs of this, but when you’re old enough, we WILL talk about it.
But Joshua, you’re almost 14.
14 is the age of the boy who, when I was a freshman in high school, sat in front of me in chemistry class and repeatedly touched my legs. Most days I wore pants, but he especially loved Thursdays when we had chapel in our Christian school and I’d wear skirts. Those days he could maybe get more than his usual handful of ankle before I was able to scoot far enough away from him. He still tried just about every day. I was on my guard, but at some point I’d get busy with my, you know, actual class work and he’d strike again.
Touching me when I had said “no.” When I had asked him to stop. Repeatedly. He thought it was great fun, playing with me, but I am here to tell you son, whether you are 14 or 44, girls and women are NOT toys for you to play with.
Last week it came out that a very powerful man in Hollywood used that power over and over again to sexually harass and assault young actresses and movie industry professionals. Because, well, he could. And apparently he thought he deserved to have sex with anyone whose career he was contributing to in any way.
He treated women like they were his play objects to do with as he pleased.
After the scandal hit the news, women began posting “me too” on social media as a way of trying to SHOW the world (and men, specifically men who just find it hard to believe) that part of being a woman in America today is to be sexually harassed or assaulted. Thankfully I can tell you I’ve never been sexually harassed in a professional setting and I’ve never been sexually assaulted. But like most women, I’ve been called out to when I’ve been walking in a parking lot or a mall, just going about my business. I even had an incident at preschool pickup where someone dropping off a kid (parent? caregiver? I don’t know) said, “My God, you’re beautiful!” and the made a sexual gesture at me. At PRESCHOOL PICKUP.
So, my sons, women that you love – your mother, your aunts, your cousins, and probably—oh how it KILLS me to say this—probably soon, your own sister—we are constantly on our guard against men who would do us harm with their words or their deeds.
To be completely honest, because of the prevalence of pornography in our society, I now view almost all men that I do not know as potential predators. I hate that I feel this way, but it is the reality. Because statistics say, my dear sons, that MOST of your gender has viewed it. And science says that those who consistently view it, well…their brains are trained to view women as objects. Nothing more than objects to be used for their sexual pleasure.
As a woman who is married to a wonderful man, has an amazing dad and two incredible brothers, I KNOW there are still good men out there. And my sons, I am working my HARDEST to make sure that you two will be amazing men, too. You’re growing up fast, and it is my responsibility to help you see that one of your duties as a young man, especially a young man who loves Christ, is to RESPECT all women. So in case I haven’t been clear with you before, here are a few things I NEED you to know about women and girls.
1. Women and girls are made in the image of God just like you are.
2. You being a male does not make you better or more deserving of any thing than any female. EVER. You are equal in God’s sight.
3. Females do not exist for your sexual pleasure. Though I hope one day you can enjoy that kind of relationship with your wife, as God designed, sex is not the end-all be-all. It’s a gift from God that we have to use wisely.
4. Girls’ and women’s bodies are not there for you to comment on and talk about to them, or to your friends. Part of respecting women is not talking lewdly about their looks, whether you like the way they look or not. It’s NOT okay. DON’T do it.
5. You should never touch a girl or woman if you don’t know she wants to be touched. She backs away from a hug even, you back off. DO NOT push it.
6. You can not touch a woman sexually or in any private area without her express permission. And “NO” means “NO.” If you do not heed a woman’s “NO,” you are in the WRONG.
7. Women and girls like to be communicated with. If you want to kiss, hug, or hold hands, ask first.
And sons, just to be EXTRA clear, do NOT touch girls’ legs in class at school. SHEESH. I didn’t tell on that kid, didn’t want to make a fuss. I spend most of that semester with one eye on him and one eye on my studies IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS. That’s not how it should be. But most girls like me don’t tell, because even though we’re not in the wrong, we’re embarrassed. And, because it’s so common, we’re afraid our harassment will be downplayed or worse, excused as normal behavior.
Sons, girls and women are wonderful. And I hope you have happy, healthy friendships and romantic relationships with them. But I don’t ever, EVER want you to be the cause of a girl or woman you know saying “me too” about sexual harassment. Nothing could break my mama heart more than to know that one of my boys mistreated a girl in this manner.
Prove to me that you are the amazing young men I know you are, my dears. Go forth and show love and RESPECT to the girls and women in your lives…all life long, so when my friends and I are old and we brag about what amazing, kind, decent men we’ve raised, I can say, “Me too.”
I love you guys, and I’m so proud of you,
Mom
