Hello, you have reached the Help Line for Teens and Tweens Whose Parents Are Literally the Worst.
Please listen to the following prompts and choose the option which best suits your current parent-induced angst or rage:
If a parent entered your room without knocking, please press the 😡 emoji. Also, why don’t they know you NEED YOUR PRIVACY?
If a parent asked you to do your daily chore, please press the 🙄 emoji. While it’s true that you literally only have ONE job, don’t they know you were RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS MINECRAFT BUILD? GAH!
If you literally cannot even right now, just take a deep breath and press the 🙀emoji. I mean, UGH, right????
If a parent has read your text messages, press the 😤 emoji because you are SO MAD RIGHT NOW. How could the person who paid for your phone and your phone service even BEGIN to think that what YOU do with it would be any of their business?? Like WTH????
If a parent used an app to limit your screen time or filter your internet, press the 🔌 emoji. What do they expect you to do now, READ A BOOK?
If a parent has suggested you GO OUTSIDE, EWW, press the ☀️emoji. And also, they didn’t even tell you to put on sunscreen. Are they trying to KILL YOU?
If a parent has told you to eat your vegetables, press the 😵 emoji. Then, stand by to write down the number for poison control.
If a parent has suggested you shower or bathe, act REALLY offended, and then press the 🛀 emoji. RUDE. You just showered like 4 days ago. They’re CLEARLY just trying to get rid of you for awhile.
If a parent has suggested that you go to bed before 11 p.m., press the 😴 emoji. Bunch of tyrants. A) you’re not even tired, and B) you’re 13 not THREE, GAH. Also, is this a FREE COUNTRY or NOT??
If a parent has suggested that you wear deodorant, scream “You really hurt my feelings!” and press the 👃emoji. Slam the door for emphasis. They have crossed the boundaries of rude and are now just being HATEFUL.
If a parent has asked you if you like the girl or boy you keep talking about, press the 🤐 emoji. Then yell, “I HATE IT WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF ME!” and give them the silent treatment for the rest of the night.
If a parent has casually reminded you of your curfew before you go out, press the 😱. Then scream “WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME?” as you stomp out the door.
If a parent has denied permission for you to go to Chrissy’s party when her parents are out of town even though it’s just going to be a couple of close friends and NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, press the 😭. Also, start picking out a coffin for your social life. RIP. 😞
And finally, if your parent has declined to pay $75 for a pair of jeans full of holes, press the ⛔ emoji. Then, wait 5 seconds and call Grandma via the 👵emoji.
If you don’t hear the option that describes the train wreck that is your life, please hold and a Parental-Induced Angst Help Line for Teens Counselor will be on the line to provide you a safe space in just a moment.***
*** May require an attention span and patience duration of over 60 seconds. If no one comes on the line in 60 seconds, hang up and call back repeatedly, or just take a snap of your complete misery so everyone knows how lame and evil your parents are.