IT’S NOT WORKING. The kids and I can’t seem to get through a day without rubbing each other raw.
I’m sure you can’t relate at all. I’m sure your summer days have been full of contented self-entertainment, voluntarily completed chores, and sibling affection.
But just in case, I’m going to pretend you know what I’m talking about when I say we’re surviving, but that’s it. I’m not okay with that, and I’m guessing you’re not, either.
The way I see it, we have two choices. We can (1) rigidly stick with our initial plan, despite its daily frustrations, and hope to go on surviving, or (2) make some adjustments and take a step on the path of intentionality.
How ’bout we go with Option 2?
Step 1 to Moving Beyond Just Surviving Summer: Identify the Hot Spot
If you have done much hiking, you’re familiar with hot spots. They’re the places you first notice some friction. The side of your big toe. The back of your heel. If you let them go, hot spots turn into full-blown eruptions of pain.
In the context of summer mothering, those eruptions occur most often around 4:30 p.m. The witching hour. Children crying, mom yelling, neighbor kids running home in terror. I know of which I speak.
To avoid these eruptions (or whatever your worst self looks like in the heat of a raw summer day), we have to backtrack and find the hot spots. When and how did the friction start?
For me, the biggest hot spot begins with my morning office work. Specifically, with trying to get my morning office work finished whilst being interrupted every 1.7 minutes to “look at how cute the dogs are” or settle a debate about whether or not this strawberry does, in fact, look like a troll.
All month, this frustration (constant interruptions for trivial reasons) has been a tipped domino that knocks down the rest of my day. By the time my work hours are over, I’m so stressed and frustrated by how little I accomplished that summoning emotional energy to connect with the kids is nigh unto impossible.
Cue irritable afternoon. Cue eventual eruption.
Step 2 to Moving Beyond Just Surviving Summer: Ask Questions
What’s at the core of this hot spot? There could be multiple factors:
- Differing Expectations: Are you expecting one thing from the day and your kids another? (During my work hours, I expect the kids to focus on their chores, reading, and creative time. Do they have the same expectation?)
- Unspoken Emotional Needs: Is there a deeper need behind an undesirable behavior? (Assuming my kids understand my need to work, are they interrupting because they feel lonely? Unseen? Insecure?)
- Conflicting Natural Rhythms: We’re all primed for some activities in the morning, and others later in the day. What does that look like for you and your kids? (Is my natural rhythm, which leans toward solitude and mental focus first thing in the morning, conflict with the kids’ rhythms, which lean toward connection?)
- Unrealistic Goals: Are you trying to squeeze more out of a day than is manageable, considering the circumstances? (Am I asking too much of my kids and myself with the time — and the concentration level — I have to work with?)
These questions should help you get beneath the emotional surface of the hot spot to understand its roots, which will, in turn, help you troubleshoot from a calmer, more objective place.
For instance, I can see that my kids are craving connection first thing in the morning. That might not be good for productivity, but it’s good for relationship. And I’d much rather be interrupted in my office work than have kids who feel like they can’t come to me. So unless I’m going to lock them out of my workspace (I’m not), it’s unrealistic for me to expect to be as productive and efficient working at home as I would be at the office.
