1. Climate identifies the general attitude. Do we act in a warm and friendly way towards our children?
2. Input identifies the amount of time we spend with our child. Do we spend quality time and energy in interacting with our children?
3. Output identifies the expectations we have for our children. Do we expect them to give good answers, have intelligent conversations with us, and be able to problem-solve?
4. Feedback identifies the kind of feedback we give our children. Do we speak harshly or disparagingly when they make poor choices, or do we encourage them to explain their reasoning and help them find better alternatives?
The Pygmalion Effect and Verbal Interactions
Don’t get me wrong. Pedro and I had plenty of discussions about our kids’ behavior behind closed doors. When we saw a trait or pattern that concerned us, we brainstormed ways of dealing with the problem. We knew we didn’t have perfect children—but we also knew they didn’t have perfect parents.
We knew we didn’t have perfect children–but we also knew they didn’t have perfect parents. #parentingCLICK TO TWEET
Our rules about verbal interactions looked something like this:
1. Never make excuses for our kids. Telling a stranger, “She’s shy,” turns into a crutch and self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, we would coach our kids on how to interact appropriately with others.
2. Praise the product, encourage the child. We garnered this one from a talk by Barbara Coloroso (who has some excellent books on teaching and parenting). This looks like honest praise. When your youngster shows you a paper full of stick figures, don’t automatically say, “Oh! That’s beautiful! You’re such a good artist!” Kids know when someone is shining them on. Have a conversation about the picture. Ask them what each thing represents. When they finish, say, “I can see how much work you’ve put into this picture! Thank you for sharing it with me. I can’t wait to see what you draw next.” When our girls were young, we encouraged their efforts by buying their books and pieces of artwork (fortunately, they never charged much).
3. Expect your children to be each other’s best friend. Before our girls started school, I found a beautiful book by Dr. John Trent called Spider Sisters. We read it to them often and had the expectation that they would stick up for each other, play well with each other, and have a ready-made friend for life. It worked.
4. When we messed up, ask for a do-over. I started using this one when our girls entered their teen years and started boundary pushing. My short temper often dug a hole for me that I didn’t want to stay in. I would take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, and ask if we could replay the scene. At first, they thought I’d lost my mind. But replaying the scene with the intention of making it turn out well always changed the outcome.
Speak Well – It Isn’t Just Bragging
Don’t confuse speaking well about your children with bragging about your children. Speaking (and thinking) well of your children involves a life-long intentional attitude that helps your child develop to the greatest of his or her potential. Bragging just makes other people uncomfortable.
Of course, human nature loves to show off and brag, so I confess to bragging on occasion (hopefully, I don’t do it too often!). I like to share the good news about my kids’ accomplishments on Facebook. They have both overcome obstacles that have shaped them into the caring, intelligent, creative, compassionate, witty, resourceful, beautiful young women that they are today. I greatly admire both of them.
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This article originally appeared at AnitaOjeda.com.
