I really did. And the next day, I woke up feeling happy again…even happier, actually. This continued for a couple of weeks until the medicine was fully functioning, and slowly my emotions evened out until I was…(wait for it)…at peace.
Peace.
Not at perfection. Not robotically blissful all the time. I still had ups and I still had downs, but suddenly I was able to cope with my life and I realized what it was like to be at peace. I had never felt so free in my life as I did then.
See, I had always seen antidepressants as “happy pills,” something desperate housewives took to become Stepford wives. Now I was beginning to understand that, while they are probably over-prescribed and unnecessary for some people, they are game changers for people who are truly suffering from mental illness and chemical imbalance.
I also realized how narrow minded I had been, theologically. God is all about our freedom, and He gave some really brilliant chemists some really brilliant thoughts and they have come up with some really brilliant drugs to help some really desperate people. Can God heal my depression with a word, should He decide to do so? 100%, unequivocally YES. Did He make promises to heal my depression? NO. Is my healing contingent on how big my faith is? NO. Is He any less faithful or good or true if I struggle with depression until the day I die? NO.
He can’t be anything but faithful, good, or true. It’s simply not in His nature.
If you’ve ever struggled with mental illness, whether for a short season or for a lifetime, and you’ve wondered why God left you to wither away, be assured of one thing: He has never, not ever, not even for a millisecond, left your side. He will never leave you or forsake you.
We often tend to think of the valleys we go through, the hard times and the seasons when God seems silent, as times of separation from God. Almost as though we’re navigating the wilderness alone, trying to make our way back to Him.
We couldn’t be more wrong.
He is actually a step ahead of us, every step of the way. He walks down into the valleys with us, and He navigates the harsh terrain so that we don’t have to. When the wind and the rain let loose and we’re caught in the middle of a horrific storm, He stands before us and takes the brunt of the beating. He’s light in the darkness and He knows where He’s going. And He’s always, always faithful to grab us by the hand and help us climb out of the depths.
He’s not removed from our suffering. He bears our suffering. And He feels every hurt and fear and bit of pain we experience along life’s journey.
We’re a hot mess, we humans, and because we live in an imperfect world, we will suffer. We’re only catching a glimpse, though, of the suffering Christ went through on our behalf, and God promises that through our suffering, His glory will be revealed (1 Peter 4:12-14).
A few years after my initial diagnosis, I relapsed into major postpartum depression. Those babies’ll do it to you 11% of the time (to be precise). Since then, I’ve tried to go off my meds a few times, and each time my body says, “NOPE!” And that’s okay. Will I ever be able to eliminate Prozac? Maybe so. Maybe not. Either way, it really is okay. I’m thankful for those super-smart chemists whose hard work pays off in my daily life. My husband and kids are even more thankful, I can assure you.
If you’re fighting through the dark fog, rest assured that you are not alone, and that you are loved so deeply, by me, by many others, and by a real God who made you and knows you by name. He’s a step ahead of you, and He will navigate the way through the uncertainty, if you’ll let Him. He’s the keeper of your heart, and the maker of your chemistry. Seek out counseling and medical help if you need to. He works through miracles and He also works through doctors. Take the steps toward freedom as He leads, and believe Him for the peace that is yours in Him, peace that is beyond our circumstances or understanding. He will be faithful to give it to you, I promise.
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