Dear Kelly,
I was surprised by the recent news of your engagement. While I wish I could celebrate with you without reservation, I admit I have some. My greatest concern is that your fianceé does not know or love Christ. Because I love you and care about your future, I feel compelled to speak now rather than to hold my peace, knowing full well how you might receive my “peace.”
I expect that, if you’re honest, you may have your own reservations about the upcoming ceremony. I hope you will heed those reservations and reconsider. As I have watched people walk down this road, I have noticed several common ways people justify marrying a nonbeliever. I want to address them in hope that you might experience grace to trust God and his word regarding marriage.
“Others Are Doing It.”
You know my story. My wife began dating me as an unbeliever. But as much as I love her and our marriage, it was wrong for her to do so. While God was gracious to us, and brought me to a saving knowledge of Christ prior to our wedding date, let me be clear: to marry an unbeliever is to sin against God (1 Corinthians 7:39). Furthermore, the difficult path to my own conversion and then to our wedding ceremony is not one I would wish upon others.
I fear you’ve latched onto God’s grace in my marriage (and others like mine) as a sort of promise for your own. God has made no such promise. While God was merciful to bring me to himself despite my wife’s disobedience, we are the exception and not the rule — certainly not the model. I know far more stories that did not play out like ours. The Bible gives us more stories like that (Exodus 34:16). Don’t let the mistakes of others serve as a justification for repeating them.
“He’s a Good Guy.”
While I do think your fiancé is a great guy by earthly standards, it’s his standing before God that matters most for marriage. You mentioned how important it was to you that he respected your boundaries, particularly after your last boyfriend pushed the boundaries, even while claiming to be Christian.
I agree that he certainly seems to outshine your last suitor, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of lateral comparison. We must be careful about making choices today based solely on setting them next to bad choices in the past. Look for a man striving to imitate Jesus (1 Corinthians 11:1). Why did you put your faith in Jesus, and choose to follow him? Are you absolutely sure you won’t regret committing yourself until death to someone who might never help you see or love Jesus more? If he does not share your captivation with Christ, you and he will always stand on unlevel and unsteady ground as you carry out your vows in marriage.
“Give Him a Chance.”
You’ve mentioned that your boyfriend is “warming up” to the idea of spiritual things. You’ve even thought at times he might be on the verge of conversion. Beware of your heart, which is prone to lie to you (Jeremiah 17:9).
Don’t be fooled into thinking he is simply “spiritual, but not religious.” There is no such thing as spiritual neutrality. We are always either with Jesus or against him (Matthew 12:30). Despite his warmth toward you, any attempt to have God on his own terms is an attempt to reject the true God over your life and heart. If he has no interest in the things of Christ now, what makes you think things will change after the wedding?
“I’ll Die Alone.”
I know it can be hard to see other couples getting married, holding hands, and having kids while you remain single. Don’t let this serve as a reason to try and seize marriage at the first opportunity.
I wish you could see a glimpse of a future in which you remained faithful to your vows to a man who remained faithless toward your Savior. Worse than attending church alone your entire life, while your husband remained at home, is the haunting thought that the man you gave yourself to might spend eternity separated from you and God. Worse yet is the thought that he might lead you or your children down the same path (Matthew 7:13). It really is possible to be more isolated and alone within a marriage than without.
Marriage is no savior. It will not ultimately save anyone from sin or loneliness or unhappiness. It cannot bear the weight of those needs and longings.
