In a world where women can unfriend each other with the swipe of a finger, how do we find friendships that we can trust to last? Maybe by first becoming those kinds of lasting friends ourselves.
So instead of rushing into friendship with a backpack full of sky high expectations, it’s worth taking the time to pause and decide what we’re not going to do this time around.
Here are a few friendship mistakes we’ve all made and some suggestions for how to avoid them:
1. Assuming a friend can be all things at all times to us.
If we are constantly disappointed by how our friends don’t live up to our need for encouragement, the problem might be that we’re expecting the kind of soul validation they’re not equipped to give. The kind of soul validation that one person who may have had a bad Monday and already feels stressed by her kids or her looming work deadline can’t possibly provide. Instead, we need to bring our identity to our friendships rather than try and take our identity and validation from our friendships. Entering friendships firmly rooted in our faith, our family, and our identity is the healthiest way to start any new friendship.
2. Forgetting that we all bring baggage into friendships.
Whether we like it or not, we all haul some kind of baggage with us into our adult friendships. And we all need to be reminded that we’re not responsible for the luggage that other women will bring with them. But that we will be impacted by it and should be ready for when those suitcases of junk inevitably explode at inconvenient times when all you thought you were doing was making plans for a kids play date and instead you end up down a dark and twisting conversation you never expected. At the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix your friends. It’s your job to love them, while maintaining healthy boundaries that serve you both.
3. Setting unrealistic expectations for a friendship.
We can’t connect when we’re setting all the terms. So it’s essential we identify the often-unrealistic expectations we bring into friendships – and how those can disappoint us before we’ve even begun. We must sacrifice our long lists of wants, demands, and expectations. We must lay them down and be willing to have them completely upended. Crumpled. Rearranged. Messed up. The best friendships don’t try to squeeze you into that uncomfortable pair of skinny jeans, the best friendships let go their expectations and fit you like your comfy, ratty Sunday afternoon jeans with plenty of room to breathe.
4. Refusing to let friendship get beyond “fine.”
If we want real friendship that goes beyond politeness or carpool or small talk, we must be willing to admit how we’re really doing. We must be willing to invite friends over when we’re not ready for company. We must sacrifice the pretty perceptions we’ve built of others and ourselves. And we must answer the question, “How’re you doing?” with the truth instead of the polite default of, “I’m fine.”
