The sun still rose. It was one of those days when it felt like an accomplishment to even wake up. September 11, 2001 had finally come. I thought maybe my mourning would finally be complete.
I turned on the television and began my sunrise routine. There was a breaking news update: a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. It was 6 a.m. where I was, but 9 a.m. in New York. People were already at work there; at home, I was shouting for my mom. I was grateful to have a place of refuge after the divorce; even if it meant sleeping on the couch. We stared at the TV together, in desperate disbelief. My younger brother walked into the room – he had never seen a plane crash into a building either. So much death. I wondered how many people were on that plane, on those floors. I had to get ready; I still had class at 8:00.
I wondered if my child would have been one of those babies born on the due date. Would I have held my baby for the first time on this very day? Would I have already brought my sweetheart home? Would I have still been at my old place?
Would haves wouldn’t do me any good, it was what it was. I had lost my baby to miscarriage. They say it happens 10-20% of the time. People also say you’re safer in the car than on a plane… not that day.
I kept checking the TV to see if anything had developed. Smoke still rose from the North Tower. I glanced in the living room mirror to apply my mascara.
I looked at my eyes; they were still bloodshot from crying the night before, when a candle had been lit and a goodbye had been said. So much had followed in the wake of the loss of my pregnancy. There was deep heartache and profound healing. Sorrow in the here and now mixed with hope for the other side of time. I was still struggling with the concept of beauty rising from the ashes all around me.
NO! Another plane flew into the second tower! What was happening? This couldn’t be real.
I didn’t know how to process losing a child. The release of dream after dream felt all too heavy.
I felt like the TV was lying. This couldn’t be true. Were we at war? Were we in danger? Who was attacking? Would life ever be the same?
Was this my fault? So many questions terrorized my thoughts.
- Was it that one drink I had before I ever realized I was pregnant?
- Would my relationship survive?
- Would I ever be able to have children again?
The Pentagon has been hit.
The South Tower has collapsed.
A plane has crashed in Pennsylvania.
